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[Announcer] (0:00 - 0:18) Think about the Bible like you never have before. You're listening to Christian Questions. Access more audio, videos, and Bible study resources at ChristianQuestions.com.

Our topic is: "Can I Really Love Someone I Don't Like?" Here's Rick and Julie.

[Rick] (0:19 - 0:26) Welcome, everyone. I'm Rick. I'm joined by Julie, a longtime contributor.

Julie, what's our theme scripture for this episode?

[Julie] (0:26 - 0:45) 1 Corinthians 13:4-6: "Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,

does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth."

[Rick] (0:45 - 1:34) We all know that God IS love, and that because He loves His human creation, He sent Jesus to redeem us all from sin and death. We also know that Jesus taught us to love our enemies and to pray for those people who despitefully take advantage of us. According to the gospel, love is a clear centerpiece of how God's plan works and how we are to emulate Jesus in relation to our enemies.

But what about those people we may just not quite like? You know who I'm talking about-- those individuals who are just irritating, who might see the world differently than we do and always seem to be on the other side of the issues.

Can we just tolerate them? You know, just "go along to get along?" Or do we have to "love" them?

If we do have to love them, what does that even look like?

[Julie] (1:34 - 1:56) Rick, most of us don't have mortal enemies, but we probably have a few people that irritate us or that we just don't like to be around. We're talking about everyday life in general, not an abusive, dangerous relationship. Let's just take a moment to zero in on that one person in our life that might fit into this category of, "I really don't like you all that much."

[Rick] (1:57 - 2:03) Or those few people in our life that might fit into this category of, yeah, you know, I could do really well without you.

[Julie] (2:04 - 2:05) Yeah, unfortunately, yes.

[Rick] (2:05 - 2:22) Look, you're right. We all have that in our lives. The first few verses of 1 Corinthians 13 review how we may be presenting ourselves and how we come across to others while showing us the true lack of value in our own perceived worth.

[Julie] (2:22 - 2:59) We talk a lot about this chapter often because it's called the "love chapter" and it's read at weddings a lot of the time. If we speak with eloquence, but don't have this agape selfless love, it's like we're just making noise, it says, like a gong or a clanging cymbal (1 Corinthians 13:1-3). We know everything there is to know and have perfect faith.

Well, that's not good enough because knowledge and faith are irrelevant, it says, if we don't have this "selfless love." Let me pick up with 1 Corinthians 13:3: "And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but have not (this selfless) love, it profits me nothing."

[Rick] (3:00 - 3:53) I can do all of these great things on the outside, but if I don't have this selfless, benevolent love on the inside, the Apostle is saying it's worthless. You're wasting your time. Paul's Foundational Truth here is: Our internal motivation (and the motivation really, we want it to come through this selfless love) is the absolute basis for our outward actions.

We can pretend--we can DO the nice things--but are we BEING that selfless person? Again, we want to focus on those folks in our lives that we'd really rather not have to deal with. With this simple lesson in mind, let's continue with the next few verses of 1 Corinthians 13 and focus on how to apply love--"selfless love"--to those we simply don't get along with and maybe don't even want to take any time for.

[Julie] (3:53 - 4:15) That's 1 Corinthians 13:4-6 and I'm going to reorder it a little bit and then we're going to take it apart. "Love is patient, love is kind," and it "rejoices with the truth..." But what is love not?

Love "is NOT jealous," it "does NOT brag," it's "NOT arrogant,

does NOT act unbecomingly; it does NOT seek its own, is NOT provoked,

Does NOT take into account a wrong suffered."

[Rick] (4:15 - 4:55) What we have is, we've got all of these "nots" which are a whole lot more than what it "is." You had three positives and a whole bunch of negatives here. The key thing here is that in looking at the people around us and applying the selfless love, Trish, my wife, has told me this constantly, regularly.

She always reminds me, Rick, every life matters. Three little words. Three little words that put everything into a much larger perspective.

Let's, like you said, take this scripture apart, apply it to those folks that we may not like so much, and see where we can go and what we can learn. Julie, where do we start?

[Julie] (4:56 - 5:22) We start with "love is patient." We often think of patience as being willing to calmly wait without complaining or being annoyed. But there's more to this word.

It means to have forbearance. What does that mean? That means being full of self-restraint, self-control, not taking immediate action.

It's interesting that Paul puts this first because apparently you can't have selfless love without this forbearance.

[Rick] (5:22 - 5:54) Because by definition, to be selfless means I'm going to hold myself back because something else is going to become more important. I will proclaim it to be so. When we talk about being a Christian, we talk about being sanctified, being "set apart for a holy purpose."

That's what Christianity is supposed to be. When I think of this word "forbearance," the little catchphrase I think about is, "Am I applying sanctified self-restraint (self-restraint that's based on godliness)?

Let's look at Ephesians 4:1-2:

[Julie] (5:54 - 6:14) "Therefore, I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience (that same word for 'forbearance'), showing tolerance for one another in (selfless) love." That's the Apostle Paul imploring us.

[Rick] (6:14 - 6:42) The idea is "love is patient." Love is full of self-restraint. That's where selfless love actually can begin.

If we want to truly follow in Jesus' footsteps, this is the first thing we have to put in place; our own forbearance, our self-restraint. We have to ask ourselves: How forbearing, how self-restraining am I with those who I have a hard time tolerating? Do I hold myself back from reacting?

[Julie] (6:43 - 6:46) Generally, no, speaking for myself.

[Rick] (6:47 - 7:01) Okay, but see, that's the point. Selfless love instructs all godly Christian love to be built upon this foundation of forbearance, of sanctified self-restraint.

That's the basis. What's next?

[Julie] (7:02 - 7:42) "Love is kind." We think of kindness, we know what that means. It's being generous, being compassionate, but there's also a nuance to this Greek word.

It means--this is a surprise--"to be useful." This isn't just being passively nice. It involves deliberate acts of generosity and care.

Let's look at Ephesians 4:31-32: "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind (that's a different form of the same word, 'to be useful, be employed')

to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."

[Rick] (7:43 - 8:08) So to be kind is more than just being nice. A lot of times we read this and say, okay, I'll just be nice, and I'm fulfilling the scripture. Actually, no! Actually, we need to go a little bit further.

To be kind is more than being nice. It's to be active, and it's to be helpful. With those we have a hard time with--and you know who we're talking about--

are we holding back our reactive responses and replacing them with useful actions?

[Julie] (8:09 - 8:38) Kindness isn't about whether they deserve it. Kindness is about reflecting God and Jesus. Maybe if you see them in person, you're holding the door open for them.

Maybe you give them a referral to your doctor, your plumber, someone who can help them in the moment. If nothing else, think about this: Are they valuable enough to be in your prayers?

How about praying, "Lord, help me to recognize an opportunity to be kind to this person." These are tough questions.

[Rick] (8:38 - 9:22) Yeah, and that's big. The people we're focusing on are those that we just don't want to give the time to.

The idea of self-restraint first, opens the door for being useful, second. Self-restraint first opens the door to actually be positive in some ways around them. These are two of the positives.

Remember you mentioned three positive at the beginning. Love is built on forbearance. It is built on being useful to others.

Now that we've seen the good parts, two out of the three, let's see how it reflects our characters by showing us what love does NOT do. We're holding off on the third "to do" till the end because that's where it actually appears in the scripture. But let's look at the "not to do" list.

Where do we start?

[Julie] (9:22 - 10:09) "Love is not jealous." We all know, all too well, what jealousy is. But again, the Greek word here has a little more nuance.

It can also mean "zealous"--to earnestly desire. This jealous/zealous word can be positive or negative. It's "to have warmth of feeling for or against; to burn with zeal."

Let's look at one way it is used negatively. Acts 7:9: "The patriarchs became jealous of Joseph and sold him into Egypt. Yet God was with him." Zeal and passion are important to have as long as they are properly focused--not against someone.

Let's hear where it's positive. 2 Corinthians 11:2 says: "For I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy."

[Rick] (10:10 - 11:28) You have two different applications of the exact same word. The patriarchs, Joseph's brothers, were "jealous" against him. It was darkness that drove them to sell him into slavery.

It was light that drove the Apostle Paul to be "jealous" over the brotherhood with godly jealousy, so they would be sanctified and clear and clean and following after Christ. The key here is, love is not that negative sense; doesn't look at or wish anything dark upon anyone else.

The question we have to ask ourselves is: Especially with those folks that we're not necessarily fond of, is our selfless love for those that we may not naturally like being expressed through selfless, strong, and yet kind actions that are not passionate in a hurtful way? I really like the examples that you gave; hold the door open for them.

Do something small, be active, let them know that they are one of "all of those lives that matter." Every life matters. Love "is not jealous."

It doesn't have that passionate feeling against someone. We need to counteract it by being useful. What's next?

What else doesn't love do?

[Julie] (11:29 - 12:03) "Love does not brag." Of course, to brag means to boast. It's a self-display, a self-promotion.

We'll look at Galatians 5:24-26: "Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the spirit, let us also walk by the spirit.

Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another." Being boastful seeks attention. It wants recognition.

It elevates ourselves even at the expense of others. It's an external expression of pride.

[Rick] (12:03 - 12:24) We have to be careful. Love is not putting ourselves on display. With all of the self-restraint and giving in place for those that we may not naturally like, we're working at it.

In our conversations before we got on doing this episode, Julie, we were both talking about the challenges of actually making this stuff work.

[Julie] (12:24 - 12:28) It's uncomfortable to study knowing that you have to do it for yourself.

[Rick] (12:28 - 12:49) Yeah, yeah, and the application is something. We're working on this self-restraint and giving in place.

Are we EVER engaging in any kind of boastful confirmation of our "stepping up" and being attentive to them? Are we saying, yeah, look at me rise above our little spat. Look at me, I'm the better one of the two.

Are we doing that?

[Julie] (12:49 - 13:21) If we focus on that person that we all are thinking of right now or the people that we have in mind--you know who we're talking about-- we might have the tendency to want to show off because we feel better about ourselves knowing that we're just a little superior in this area or that because if I'm better than you, I don't have to admit to myself that I'm actually a little jealous of you. It makes me think of Bette Midler in the 1980s movie "Beaches."

She said this, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think about me?"

[Rick] (13:23 - 13:36) Exactly. We get into that space and that space is destructive and it's not built upon selfless love. So far it is not jealous,

it does not brag. What else is it not?

[Julie] (13:37 - 14:05) It "is not arrogant." "Arrogant" is "to inflate, to puff up, to make proud." 1 Corinthians 8:1 says: "Now concerning things sacrificed to idols, we know that we all have knowledge.

Knowledge makes arrogant, but love edifies." "To edify" means "to build up." It strengthens or encourages.

While being boastful is more of an outward thing, arrogance is more of an internal attitude of superiority where we think a little too highly of ourselves.

[Rick] (14:06 - 14:56) This is where the challenge really gets deep and difficult because if it's internal, nobody else can necessarily see it. The question here: Do we in any way adopt an arrogant attitude (that's on the inside) while being respectful towards difficult people? I'll be respectful because I am so good.

I'm just going to show them how I am rising. I mean, is that what's happening inside of our hearts? If we are boastful in any way, it is a sure outward sign of arrogance, which you mentioned is an inward problem.

If we have an "inward arrogance" issue, then we need to bring that, find it, bring it before the Lord in prayer, because that's a big deterrent to actually being Christlike. Selfless love is not arrogant. What else?

[Julie] (14:56 - 15:41) It "does not act unbecomingly." That's a word that means "inappropriately, dishonorably, or disgracefully; not up to accepted standards." Our actions are supposed to align with kindness and integrity rather than selfishness or arrogance because selfless love is never rude or inconsiderate. James 1:14-15 tells us: "But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.

Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death." So here the word "lust" means "a strong desire or longing for something that's self-indulgent or sinful."

Lust leads to sin, which ultimately has destructive consequences.

[Rick] (15:42 - 16:44) It's such an important aspect of looking at ourselves. How are we acting? What are our outward actions actually showing everybody around us?

We should not be acting ever as Christians in any way that is inappropriate. Selfless love vs. Rick, okay? There's an at-odds situation going on here.

Selfless love thrives in an environment of appropriate behavior. That's where selfless love thrives. Do we as Christians see those who challenge us as deserving our highest level of acceptable godly behavior?

Do we see them as deserving that? They do deserve it. You know why?

Because every life matters. If Jesus died for them, then I, by rights, must treat them with that same kind of respect. Every life matters.

Love does not act inappropriately, unbecomingly. What's next?

[Julie] (16:45 - 16:56) Love also "does not seek its own," which means goes after its own self-interest or its own desires. Why? Because it's not about ME.

It's about Christ.

[Rick] (16:56 - 16:56) Yeah.

[Julie] (16:56 - 17:22) 1 Peter 2:11-12 in the New Living Translation says: "Dear friends, I warn you as temporary residents and foreigners to keep away from worldly desires that wage war against your very souls. Be careful to live properly among your unbelieving neighbors. Then even if they accuse you of doing wrong, they will see your honorable behavior, and they will give honor to God when He judges the world."

[Rick] (17:23 - 18:50) Here you've got this sense of not having self-interest in front of you. Peter is basically saying, be careful to show yourself to be Christlike in front of those who don't believe. He's saying this is important.

Again, he's not saying this as put on a face or put on an act, put on a facade, be an actor. He's saying BE Christlike. That's what he's telling us.

He's saying that will be a witness to them. Now they may not react or respond to it, but later they will. When God judges the world and they're put in a position during the period of reconciliation, they'll be able to look back on that and say, I remember that person, Julie, who always irritated me.

I see it. It bothered me to see it. But now I see that there was something bigger about her.

That's where we want to go. Our question here is: Do we realize that our internal battle to appropriately represent Christ is accentuated by those we have challenges with as they likely define Christianity by observing our actions?

Think about the fact that you may be the only Christian example they ever see. How do they understand that Christian example? They deserve to see something higher and Christlike.

[Julie] (18:50 - 18:53) That's a huge responsibility in our part.

[Rick] (18:53 - 19:01) It is, it is. Every life matters. That's what it's really, really telling us.

Okay. Love "does not seek its own." Where do we go from here?

[Julie] (19:02 - 20:11) Love "is not provoked." "Provoked" means "to make sharp; stimulate or irritate." This is another one of those words that can be positive or negative.

In the negative sense, it means "to incite anger, to provoke; purposely stir up, irritate," like you provoke a fight. I think this one is most likely to happen when you know the person really well. I'm thinking about a spouse or a close family member, because you know what buttons to push.

You know that just by a look or a word, you can cause things to escalate very quickly. We're going to look at Acts 17:16, 22: "Now while Paul was waiting for them at Athens, his spirit was being provoked with him as he was observing a city full of idols. ..."

This was being stirred up because this was really difficult for him to be with all this really difficult situation with these idols. A little bit later on, he takes that provocation, though, and he does something positive with it. That's in verse 22.

It says <Acts 17:22>: "... So Paul stood in the midst of the Areopagus and said, Men of Athens, I observe that you are very religious in all respects."

[Rick] (20:12 - 21:40) What the Apostle did is, he took something that really frustrated him and said, okay, I'm frustrated by this, but these are people that Jesus died for. I'm going to find a way to find something good so I can show them something better. He gathers them together and he basically says, I see that you're very religious.

He goes on to say, and I recognize one of your idols was to the Unknown God. Let me tell you about Him. He found a way to meet them where they were so that he could help them see something beyond where they were.

It's a great--it's a classic example of not being provoked but loving them more than hating what they were doing because they just didn't know how not to. For us, especially when dealing with those we have challenges with, are we truly remaining unprovoked by not being focused on our own agenda and instead only pursuing God's agenda? See, that's what the Apostle Paul did.

He showed us how to have that selfless love in a circumstance that just wasn't very good, wasn't positive, wasn't great, but he took it and made it into something that was godly. Love, selfless love, is not provoked, especially with people that irritate us. You know who we're talking about.

Next.

[Julie] (21:40 - 22:26) What else does love not do? It "does not take into account a wrong suffered." The Greek word used here has the thought of taking an inventory.

In other words, don't keep score. We bring this scripture up a lot on our marriage episodes. Strong emotions imprint memories for good or bad.

When someone hurts us or betrays us or disappoints us or makes us mad, our brain can hold on to that just naturally for a long time. We've got to overcome that. You think about how a scab covers a wound.

If we continually pick at it, it's going to bleed and it won't heal. Let's look at Matthew 5:39: "But I say to you (this is of course Jesus) do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also."

[Rick] (22:26 - 22:44) The idea is not keeping score. It's so easy to remember the negative. It's so easy to focus on the negative and to dwell on it and to put it in front.

Selfless love does exactly the opposite. It doesn't do that. It's extremely easy to remember the wrongs done to us by those we don't trust.

It's just another proof. You see?

[Julie] (22:44 - 22:46) They're no good!

[Rick] (22:47 - 23:13) Right, it reminds me why you aggravate me!

That's really what it boils down to. That's not what selfless love is going to do with that. It's going to take that negativity and turn it. In light of this ease of remembering those things that they did wrong to us,

in light of this: Are we focused on simply loving them as human beings who Jesus died for because every life matters?

[Julie] (23:14 - 23:34) When it becomes really tough for us, we have to remember since we don't serve God perfectly, we can't demand perfection from others or hold negative feelings by keeping score of their failures against us. God's not doing that to us, since Jesus died for us. We have to tread very lightly on this.

[Rick] (23:34 - 23:42) You bring up a really good point. God can look down upon us and see all of our faults and He could point them out and focus on them and saying, you're no good, you're no good, you're no good...

[Julie] (23:44 - 23:44) You're out.

[Rick] (23:44 - 24:02) And He's right. We are no good, but He sees us through the covering of Christ. We want to see others through the selfless love that Christ taught us.

We want to see in that way. Let's not keep score! I think there's one more negative here, Julie.

[Julie] (24:02 - 24:27) Love "does not rejoice in unrighteousness." It's not calmly happy with injustice or wrongfulness. Romans 6:13 says: "...and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God."

[Rick] (24:28 - 24:53) "Does not rejoice in unrighteousness." You said it means not calmly happy. Not like, hey, not so bad.

Look at that. Here's the question we have to ask ourselves with this: Are we quietly and privately smiling when those we are challenged with run into difficulties due to the hard experiences of life?

Oh, look at the problem they had. Oh, my!

[Julie] (24:55 - 24:59) Oh, isn't that a shame...

[Rick] (24:59 - 25:16) ...With all of the sarcasm that we can muster? Do we do that? Folks, I think sometimes we do. If so, if that's what we're doing, think about this.

We claim to be Christians. If that's what we're doing, we've essentially left selfless love at the door. Think again, because every life matters.

[Julie] (25:16 - 25:49) We're not supposed to be secretly full of glee when something goes wrong for the person we don't like very much. While some of these descriptions are easy to see in public, much of this has to do with our secret faults. It might be that no one catches that tiny gleam in your eye when you hear bad news about this person,

but, of course, God knows. We need to be careful, especially not to pile onto that person's troubles by gossiping about them, because that makes it even worse. Now we've committed two sins.

[Rick] (25:49 - 26:15) That's a really good point. This being calmly happy with injustice and wrongfulness is one thing, but we can be calmly happy and say, did you see what...?? You know, I don't mean to laugh, but did you see?

When we say "but," it's all over. It's all done. We have to make sure that we are representing something beyond our own imperfect human nature.

We have one piece left, Julie, and this turns the tables, doesn't it?

[Julie] (26:15 - 26:33) Yes, this is the third positive part about love. It was patient. It was kind.

Now "it rejoices with the truth," meaning it sympathizes in gladness with truth. John 8:32 is a very famous scripture: "...and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free."

[Rick] (26:34 - 27:40) Selfless love rejoices. The word for "rejoice" means "to sympathize." This is important because when we sympathize with somebody, we can actually enter into their experience because we've had the same kind of experience.

When we empathize, we can look upon the experience and say, oh, that must be a tough thing. Let me pray for you. Let me encourage you.

But when you sympathize, you enter in because you know what it is. Selfless love sympathizes with truth. It enters in.

It understands that we have been made free by the truth of the gospel. Therefore, we can stand for something so much higher, so much more powerful, so much more life-changing, especially with those folks that we may not like so much. One more question.

We know that we're on the right track. We can respond to those with whom we are challenged with selfless love that truly lets them know of our entering into their positive life experiences. The question is: Am I living this now?

That's the question we want to ask ourselves.

[Julie] (27:41 - 27:59) We all know that we love the people we love, and we all know Jesus told us to love our enemies. This is all about the people in between that we might have thought it was okay to treat a certain way or to think of a certain way.

We need to rethink how we think about these people.

[Rick] (27:59 - 29:15) You're right. Those are the ones that often get overlooked because we're always focused on, well, you've got to love your enemies. Okay.

I know I've got to love those fellow Christians. These are the ones like, I don't have time for. Yes, you do.

Yes, you do. Yes, I do. Yes, we do.

We need to have time for these folks. Selfless love and those we don't get along with-- here's how we put this all together:

The gospel is abundantly clear about how we as Christians are tasked with overcoming our broken humanity for the purpose of truly loving all others around us. Let us be sure to work at putting away the childish mind games of harboring negative feelings about those we don't get along with. Instead, just simply, just sincerely love them.

Why? Jesus died for them. Every life matters.

We want to apply what Jesus lived and died for in our everyday lives. Think about it. Folks, we love hearing from our listeners.

We welcome your feedback and questions on this episode and other episodes at ChristianQuestions.com. Coming up in our next episode: "How Can I Best Share the Gospel With Others?"

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