Announcer (00:00:00): It is time to think about the Bible like you never have before. This is Christian Questions. After this episode, go to ChristianQuestions.com to check out other episodes, Bible study resources, videos, download the CQ app and more. Today's topic is, "How Strong Are My Relationships? (Part II)" Coming up in this episode, you've heard the saying you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your relatives. While this may be true, the fact remains that our family ties run deep and can sometimes be difficult. How can we better nurture those family ties as well as our closest friendships? Here's Rick and Julie.
Rick (00:00:39): Welcome everyone. I'm Rick. I'm joined by Julie, our CQ contributor for several years now. Julie, what's our theme scripture for this episode?
Julie (00:00:48): Romans 12:10: "Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love in honor, preferring one another."
Rick (00:00:55): In our last episode, we opened the door to talking about strong and healthy relationships by focusing on marriage. We looked at what it's built upon, what makes it work, what hinders it, and how to stay with it when challenges arise. What we discovered was a powerful scriptural pattern for success that can trace to the simple descriptions of what selfless love is and is not. In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, our next set of relationships will focus on our families and our closest friends. In many ways, these relationships have a similarity to marriage, to the marriage relationship, and what it stands for, and therefore can be nurtured and healed with the same scriptural principles. When you think about it, God's design in all of this is truly magnificent.
Julie (00:01:45): We're talking about the love chapter 1 Corinthians 13:4-7: "Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous. Love does not brag and is not arrogant. It does not act unbecomingly, it does not seek its own, it's not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
Rick (00:02:11): There's a lot in those verses, and we're going to keep coming back to them as we talk about relationships. So we've got several questions for consideration. In our focus, we're going to discuss family and family relationships and close friend relationships simultaneously as we go through. So Julie, we've got several questions. Let's get started. What are they?
Julie (00:02:32): We're going to first tackle, How do you measure the health of family and close friend relationships?
Rick (00:02:37): Next, What are the most important foundations to build family and close friend relationships upon?
Julie (00:02:44): Next we're going to get into What are the common areas of weakness in family and close friend relationships?
Rick (00:02:49): And then the question, What should I always bring to the table in my family and close friend relationships?
Julie (00:02:55): The question everybody wants to know, How can I contribute to my family close friend relationships, even if they seem distant or uninterested? So let's start off with our first question. We wanted to know, How do you measure the health of family and close friend relationships?
Rick (00:03:12): Just like with marriage, you measure love and you measure respect. Again, we talked about that in our last episode when we talked about marriage. By measuring, we mean we look at how much of love, selfless love and respect are evident within me. That's what we mean by measuring those things.
Julie (00:03:30): We're talking about one of the more famous Greek words for love. It's agape or agapao. This is that selfless and benevolent kind of love that gives with no expectation or requirement of reciprocation. It's only concerned with the wellbeing of the receiving person. Here's the example we gave John 15:11 last week. We'll read this again. "These things I have spoken to you that my joy may remain in you and that your joy may be full. This is my commandment that you love one another as I have loved you." That's Jesus talking about this agape love.
Rick (00:04:08): Of course, when you think about Jesus loving us, he didn't love us with an expectation of all kinds of things in return. He gave and he gave and he gave. This is the basis. This is that selfless love, that agape love that we're talking about. So we have this as a basis, something to measure, in terms of what does that look like in me, not in my friend or my family member, but what does it look like in me? The other aspect of this is respect. To be respectful of someone is to show them honor, to lift them up to a higher cherished position for the purpose of having a relationship with them. Selfless love treats all in the same way, as shown by Jesus dying for all men equally. And respect is a slightly different approach to this matter of treating others.
Julie (00:04:56): When the New Testament uses this word for honor, it means it has to do with the value of something, to fix a valuation on. It's to revere. Some just quick examples of how this was used. 1 Timothy 5:3: "Honor widows that are widows indeed." 1 Peter 2:17: "Honor all men." So examining how we personally apply selfless love and respect, <laugh> that's hard. It's going to help us evaluate our readiness to make our family and close friend relationships even stronger.
Rick (00:05:26): Julie, in our preparation, you and I have been going back and forth on this selfless love and respect. Every time we do, we both snicker a little bit like <laugh> yeah, I got some work to do here, because it's a high level, it's a high standard to put somebody with this honor and respect and this higher position than others so you can have a relationship with them. That's a big deal. So we want to be clear on selfless love and honor and respect in terms of how am I doing with those things.
Julie (00:05:57): So let's go to our second question. What are the most important foundations to build these relationships, these family and close friend relationships upon?
Rick (00:06:06): Okay, our selfless love for and respect and honor of our families should work in a similar way to that of marriage. One's spouse is honored, lifted up to a higher position than others, because of the covenant made before God. So we've got that marriage example again. Our family is lifted up higher than others by virtue of our family ties.
Julie (00:06:32): This is interesting because family ties are God's arrangement. We look at Genesis 22:18 where God spoke to Abraham and He said, "In your seed all the nations of the earth shall be blessed because you have obeyed My voice." In Amos 3:2, God spoke to the Israelites and said, "You only have I known of all the families of the earth". So from this, we see that God recognizes and honors family ties. Here because of the faith of Abraham, his descendants would be in a favored position. We can easily see how there was a big difference in his favor and His attention between the Israelites and the Canaanites, for example.
Rick (00:07:12): So family is basic when it comes to God and his way of teaching us how to relate. And we need to understand that. Last episode we talked about marriage, and that's a very specific covenant. You don't choose your family. Your family has got that blood relationship. It's got that connection. What God is saying is, when you are connected like that, it is deep and profound for the sake of the connection. So we need to, and He displayed that. He chose Abraham and Abraham's posterity to bless the families of the earth. We need to respect the fact that we've got to work on that. You know what, Julie? Family relationships are not necessarily easy.
Julie (00:07:56): They're not. But if God reveres them, He's going to expect certain things from us. So we've got to know what those things are.
Rick (00:08:03): That's the point. We need to be aware of that. You know what, this is something I've got to work on. So we're focusing on that family kind of relationship. Here are the New Testament words for family love.
Julie (00:08:17): Well, there's three of them. They're used to describe a basic and largely instinctive love and affection that we have between spouses, parents, children. Let me attempt this <Laugh> ancient Greek - the words are philandros, philostorgos, and philoteknos. Well, that's close. (That was good.) Well, <laugh> these are more intimate than we've heard of philadelphia love. That's that brotherly love. It means fraternal affection, fondness. But these three Greek words, they're based on that same fraternal type of approach. Titus 2:3-5 uses two of these when it talks about the older women that admonish the young women to love their husbands, love their children, to be discreet, chaste, and so on. That love, there is two of those affectionate types of love that we have.
Rick (00:09:04): So it's sort of built on the basis of the philadelphia, the brotherly love. (Right.) It's bigger. Again, it's family based. (Right.) So folks, look, you're having an issue with a family member, maybe you're grown and you and your brother or you and your sister, or you and your cousin or you and your parent are not getting along as you should. And you say, Well, you know what? I don't have to see them all the time, so forget about it. If you are Christian and you are looking to walk in the footsteps of Jesus, we need to understand this is important. So we shouldn't make light of that. We need to make right of that. We need to put it in a perspective that we can understand it. In our theme scripture, Romans 12:10, it uses that philadelphia, that brotherly love, with one of these words for family love attached to it, so to speak.
Rick (00:09:56): It kind of deepens it. So let's look at that. Romans 12:10: "Be kindly affectionate, one to another with brotherly love." Okay, so that's the brotherly love in honor giving preference to one another. So it says, be kindly affectionate. This phrase "kindly affectionate" is from the word for "friend." It's got the word for "friend" in it, but it's also got another Greek word in it, that storge, which actually means, "the cherishing of one's kindred, especially parents or children." I want to focus in on that because that cherishing is a honorable position. When you put somebody in a position of cherishing them, you really, really put them in a high position. While this storge love, this cherishingm is never used in the Bible directly, it's used in a negative sense, okay? We only see it appearing in a negative sense by itself. Kindly affection is combining it with another word in a positive, but by itself it's only used in a negative sense. And there's two scriptures that warn us against this lack of cherishing. So let's look at those two scriptures. The Apostle Paul, when he's speaking about the sinful race of humanity, here's what he writes in Romans 1:31:
Julie (00:11:07): "Without understanding untrustworthy, unloving, and unmerciful." So that word unloving is they lost cherishing the family unit.
Rick (00:11:16): That's a big deal. We think about that. Let's think about what happens when we lose our cherishing for the family unit. What we find is, and we're not going to get into this in depth at this moment, but society will begin to crumble from the inside out if we lose that connectivity of the family unit. Paul again writes in 2 Timothy now using this same negative sense of this cherishing word when he is talking about the last days in 2 Timothy 3:2-3:
Julie (00:11:48): "For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, and here's that word again, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips without self-control, brutal, haters of good." Ugh. So that "unloving" is, we've lost family honor and respect. But Rick, why do you think this Greek word storge never appears in a positive sense in the New Testament? Because it means cherishing, but again, it only shows up as NOT cherishing. It's in the negative. Why?
Rick (00:12:20): Yeah, I know, you'd think it's like, what? (It's weird.) It would be all over everything. Well, I don't have an absolute answer, so I'm going to give you a "perhaps" answer. Okay? Perhaps this cherishing of one's own family was so embedded into Jewish culture and godly teaching, that it was expected, it was absolutely expected to be a part of everyday life. Just the way providing for one's family was an expected behavior. Nobody had to tell you go feed your family because you were expected to do that. You were expected to know how to do that. The bottom line is, a lack of family cherishing provokes disaster.
Julie (00:12:57): So what you're saying is the baseline is cherishing your family. That's the minimum expected behavior. Anything less should be unthinkable.
Rick (00:13:07): Should be unthinkable. That's a great way to put it. It's the baseline. Of course, you cherish your family, but what if I don't like my brother? Incidentally, for disclosure, I love my brother. Okay?
Julie (00:13:21): <Laugh> But do you like your brother?
Rick (00:13:22): I do. I do. Okay. I absolutely like my brother, absolutely love my brother. If I was in the fight of my life, I'd want my brother next to me. Period. End of statement. He's just always been one of those guys that I can always depend on. And I've tried to be that for him as well. So the idea is you have that relationship that draws you to a higher level. It comes from selfless love as well as the back and forth and that honor and respect that we are talking about. Let's sum this up as a beginning process. So revisiting, refocusing, and reestablishing my relationships. Where are we starting, Julie?
Julie (00:14:03): Well, in Scripture, family is everything. And our closest friends are right there with them. God's design is built around our cherishing our family members, as you said, that really affects society. We cherish that which we hold in high honor and respect. True cherishing is exemplified in true commitment.
Rick (00:14:22): Commitment is one of my favorite words because the commitment that selfless love portrays and the way it portrays it through patience and kindness. Remember, "love is patient, love is kind." Remember, patience means fortitude and forbearance, holding up and giving space. Kindness means to show oneself useful. This respect and honor is what drives all of these things coming from the family bond. So we have the family bond as a relationship, as a basis. Then we need to learn to build the selfless love on top of that. Because when you got both of those going, you are working on two fronts. And it's very difficult to dismantle that when both of them are working. The challenge is to get both of them going at the same time. So, building strong family and friend ties is important. These ties can only be successfully built by doing it God's way.
Julie (00:15:20): Selfless love, respect, and cherishing as the basics for strong family relationships are there. But how do we use these things when problems arise?
Rick (00:15:28): There we go. It's so important to take a moment and let what we already know sink in, for love, respect and cherishing are absolute keys. So what makes us want to communicate, want to fix issues, want to improve the quality of our time together, want to create a happy and flourishing environment? We want these things for those we are involved with when we selflessly love, honor and cherish them. And you say, well, isn't it when we have brotherly love but sometimes you lose that because in that give and take and you're angry or upset or frustrated or misunderstood, you're like, suffer. Selfless love doesn't do that. Selfless love is bigger than that. So where we go next?
Julie (00:16:19): All right, so let's get into our third question. What are common areas of weakness in family and close friend relationships? We see that our love chapter, 1 Corinthians 13 will help us with that. Scriptures 4-6 say, "Love is not jealous. Love does not brag and is not arrogant. It does not act unbecomingly, it does not seek its own, it is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness." We talked about these in detail in our Part I. Just as with marriage issues arise from things like jealousy, bragging, arrogance, we all at some point or another act immaturely, we are self-centered. We can be easily provoked. We keep score, which is really bad, and we can be accepting of unrighteousness. So all that's no good.
Rick (00:17:11): <Laugh> Okay. so you've just said like, don't try this at home, right? Okay, just leave it.
Julie (00:17:15): But that's where the weakness is going to be, right? So we need to really be aware of that.
Rick (00:17:19): Right. That's the key. That is where the weakness is going to be. And folks, newsflash, we're all susceptible to every one of those things. So just because you read that, oh, not me, well be careful mm-hmm. <Affirmative>. But here's the solution. Let's begin to put the solution in place. There's two things to begin with. We need to be careful first, and then we need to be prayerful. Not necessarily in that order, but we need to be careful and prayerful. Whether some of these things, some of those eight things that you just read, whether some of the things are my issues, things that I'm having personal problems with, or issues that my family member or close friend may be having, we always need to approach every weakness carefully. How do we do that? Well, let's first look at 1 Peter 1:6-7:
Julie (00:18:04): "In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials" (and this, by the way, could include family trials or disagreements with our friends). So you're distressed by various trials. "So the proof of your faith being more precious than gold, which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." What this tells us is trials, tests, failures, setbacks, misunderstandings, frustrations - these can all be tools of our spiritual growth and our growth with our family and our friends.
Rick (00:18:44): It can be. However, what often (Is it?) <laugh>? Yeah, well, right, right! That's the thing. Is it? Left unchecked, these become devices of destruction. So there's a choice here. There's a choice. Things aren't going as well as you'd like them to with a family member or a friend. You say, I can either just leave it, I can push it aside, or I can deal with it. I need to carefully consider this, understanding that this trial can be sent from God to help me become spiritually mature. And you know what, Julie? When you take these issues and put them in that light,
Julie (00:19:21): Yeah,
Rick (00:19:22): It just makes it look like, okay, that's something I want to do. I want to grow up in front of God. I mean, that's kind of the point, isn't it?
Julie (00:19:29): That's very sobering because I think a lot of us have the tendency to put up a bunch of walls and say, Okay, that's it. I'm cutting them out of my life. (Right?) I'm moving on. (Right, right, right.) And if God put this to you as a test that your character gets better, what did you just do? You just snubbed God's test. Oof. Yeah, that's, not good.
Rick (00:19:48): Yeah, no. We have to stay away from that. So be careful.<Laugh> But the next thing is to handle it carefully first and now prayerfully handle it. Prayerfully. Hebrews 4:15-16:
Julie (00:20:02): This is speaking of Jesus: "For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has been tempted in all things as we are yet without sin. Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." So Rick, we need to be careful and prayerful. Got it! I can remember that.
Rick (00:20:25): Okay, good. Confidently asking for guidance, asking for wisdom and seeking God's providence will not change our circumstances. It won't, but it can change the way we cope with our circumstances. This can help us deal with whatever we face by reframing our challenges and seeing those challenges through God's eyes, not ours. That's the whole key here. See things through His eyes, not how I feel.
Julie (00:21:00): I look at this scripture where it says, we have confidence - "we can draw near with confidence to the throne of grace." We did a program recently, #1264, called "What Does God's Grace Do For Us?" And it really opened my eyes to this "throne of grace," and that God is the "God of all grace." The fact that us puny humans can even approach this throne of God is just awesome. I mean, it's unbelievable. So the least we can do is try to learn these lessons and try to exemplify God in our relationships. So we move on. Our question four was, What should I always bring to the table in my family and close friend relationships? And "always" is a very big word!
Rick (00:21:43): <Laugh> Yes it is. We're going to look at the answer to this question about what do we always bring to the table in our family and close friend relationships by examining the what - what do we bring? And then examining how do we bring it? So there's the what first and the how second, going back to 1 Corinthians 13, a part of verse four, and then part of verse six and verse seven: "Love rejoices with the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things." There's the what. This is what. Now we need to explain and understand that. Instead of being overwhelmed by the previously stated challenges, those challenges, those eight things that you read before, Julie, they could be overwhelming. Instead of being overwhelmed by them that come, and they come to every one of us, we want to instead up our game, focus our attitude, set our self-discipline to meet those challenges.
Julie (00:22:39): Okay? That's the what, but <laugh> how do we do this?
Rick (00:22:42): Okay, simple question. How do we do this? Well, we've got a few scripturally-sound suggestions. For me, whenever there's a question of, okay, how do you do this? I don't understand, go back to the word, go back to the word and go back to the word. Find the principles, and then don't water the principles down, but build them up and say, I want to work with this. So let's start with that first part of that 1 Corinthians 13, for the first part of verse six says: Love (selfless love) rejoices with the truth. Selfless love is happy with God's truth being the truth. So what does that mean in a family/friend relationship? Three words: Listen to Jesus. Simple. Listen to Jesus. We self-evaluate and correct before we address our family and friend challenges. Why do we do that? Because that's exactly what Jesus said to do. Where did he say that? Specifically, he said it in Matthew 7:3-5.
Julie (00:23:47): Okay, here's the hard part. <Laugh> So Jesus said, "Why do you look at the speck that's in your brother's eye, but you do not notice the log that's in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, well, let me take that speck out of your eye. And behold, the log is in your own eye. You hypocrite! First take the log out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." So in other words, start looking in the mirror. <Laugh> Just like we talked about with marriage, am I being the family member or the friend that I should be? Because Jesus told us to look at ourselves before we react to those around us. Self-reflection can be very uncomfortable.
Rick (00:24:29): And very necessary. When Jesus says, Look at yourself first, he didn't say it because he didn't know what else to say. He said it because we needed to hear it. Then he makes the exaggeration about taking a log out of, now look, Julie, physically, I've never seen anybody with a log in their eye. That's not really possible. Jesus is making a point. He's comparing a speck of sawdust to a log. He's saying, Look at yourself, look at yourself, look at yourself, lest you be a hypocrite. So listen to Jesus. This is the "what" - we've got to listen to Jesus as we deal with these family issues. The next piece from 1 Corinthians 13, "Love bears all things."
Julie (00:25:18): Oh, I love this because we learned in Part I that that word "bear" means to thatch, cover, protect, or preserve in all experiences. So just like you have this thatched roof will cover and protect. We have selfless love that lovingly protects. And what a wonderful way to watch out for each other, to "thatch over" the other person to protect them. I love that.
Rick (00:25:39): It does take selfless love to do that because maybe that protectiveness doesn't suit how you feel right now.
Julie (00:25:48): And maybe the person underneath the thatched roof is prickly.
Rick (00:25:50): Yeah, exactly. But do it anyway. Because that's what Jesus is showing us to do. That's what the Apostle Paul is writing for us. So we want to be protective and encouraging, again, even if it's uncomfortable. And here's the thing: in this attitude of being protective and encouraging, sometimes I'm the one who needs a hand up, or sometimes it's my friend or family member who needs the hand up. The question is, are our hands reaching out for one another to help? Or are they repelling one another in frustration? See, it's a matter of taking a different look at the way your experiences unfold and say, wait a minute, how can I respond differently than my reactions? And the idea of being protective and encouraging helps us to see that's a "what." This is WHAT my responsibility is. This is is WHAT I should be doing. Galatians 6:2 is a wonderful text that reminds us of this:
Julie (00:26:48): It says, "Bear one another's burdens and therefore fulfill the law of Christ." All right, we've self-examined. We want to be protective and encouraging, not attacking. This certainly is the ideal, though, because <laugh> those who are closest to us, they can irritate us the most. I mean, they know where all the buttons are. So we are using these as a reminder of the way things should be. And even in functional relationships, we have to admit that there can be difficulties.
Rick (00:27:17): Well, yeah. If you don't admit that there are difficulties, what you're doing is you're covering over those things that are just going to eat you. You know what it's like? It's like termites, You don't know there are termites until it's too late, because they eat from the inside out. (Ew. ) <Laugh> Sorry. But we need to be clear on that. Look, in my own experience in dealing with so many people, with so many issues and just trying to help, what you find is you're presented with something and it rubs you the wrong way. And part of counsel is to say, Okay, let's understand what you are presented with. Let's understand what that person's intention, what you think it was and what it may have been. Because you can't read their heart and mind. Let's reframe it so that we can see it differently. And then let's decide to be productive, protective, and encouraging of that person. If somebody follows that process, it's like the light bulb turns on and they can see things differently. So it's important. Love, going back to 1 Corinthians 13: "But love believes all things." Selfless love is faithful in all experiences.
Julie (00:28:28): We talked about this as well in Part I as it relates to marriage. This phrase "all things" doesn't mean we're supposed to be gullible or uneducated. Just like with our spouse, we want to give our family and close friends the benefit of the doubt. We want to assign, I love this idea, positive motives as the baseline to what they're saying and doing.
Rick (00:28:49): Okay. A lot of baselines here! Conquer the fear that stands as a detour to coping and healing. Faith in our calling dissolves the fear in our feelings.
Julie (00:29:01): When you say fear, you mean like timid or apprehensiveness, meaning issues are easy to ignore because a lot of us don't like conflict or confrontation, right? So we like to sweep problems under the rug and <laugh> we try to ignore them because it's easier to just let it go.
Rick (00:29:18): Yeah. Then you end up with a lumpy rug and like, it never works out, right? It just doesn't <laugh>, it just doesn't work out, right? So, when we're scared or apprehensive, we react in three basic ways: We can wrestle for control, we can become angry, or we can withdraw. Okay? This is something that's really, really important, but we need to put it all in the right perspective. We need to let go of those things. You say, well, let me let it go, right? And the problem is that what we're really saying is if, let me let it go, sweep it under the rug. All you're doing is saying, let me let it GROW. Let me let it fester. Let me let it get worse. We can't go there. 2 Timothy 1:7 helps us with this:
Julie (00:30:00): "For God has not given us the spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline." That word timidity there includes fearfulness, cowardice and by implication, faithless.
Rick (00:30:13): Oh, okay, there's a lot of,
Julie (00:30:15): It's strong.
Rick (00:30:15): Yeah, there's a lot of problem in that timidity. We can combat cowardice, whether it's our own family, our own cowardice, or our family member's cowardice or our close friends, by the strength and guiding influence of God's will, God's word, and God's spirit, by applying selfless love instead of anger and selfless discipline, instead of quitting. We just have to decide to apply something different than we've been applying. Because you do the same thing over and over, you're going to get the same results. So revisiting, refocusing, and reestablishing my relationships, what do we have?
Julie (00:30:48): Problems and misunderstandings abound in all family and close relationships for a variety of reasons. Let us apply selfless, love, honor, and a cherishing attitude by following Jesus's guidance, seeking to mend and protect that which is broken and facing the fears that inevitably challenge reconciliation. The relational health of our family depends on it.
Rick (00:31:12): It does; it truly does.
Julie (00:31:13): Now I've got a question though. And again, we've been talking about these ideals. I have a very close friend of mine who has a nephew who is homeless, and he is a meth addict. So he's very addicted to drugs and it breaks her heart. But she randomly saw him on the street one day and took him to buy a warm coat and some boots and socks and a meal. But she found out quickly that he sold the coat and the boots and the socks to buy more drugs. And I know this is an extreme example, but can we be scripturally pleasing to God without being taken advantage of? So all we've been talking about works really well with family and friends think the way we do and who are in a position to respond appropriately. What do we do when something is this bad? Just keep giving, giving, giving?
Rick (00:31:59): Well, and here's the thing. With a situation like that, one of the things we need to understand is that there comes a point at which the giving is just enabling. And sometimes we get taken advantage of. And my advice is get taken advantage of to understand that the person is not capable of responding in a positive way. And then once you see that incapacity, then you have to say, I'd love to help you, but I'm not going to feed the habit. And the minute that you're ready, the minute that you're ready to take help and do something positive, I will be there with you. I've had that very exact thing happen. I had to leave somebody homeless once, it broke my heart. But I told them, I'm sorry, you've made the decisions. When you're ready, and later on when they were ready, by God's grace, I was able to be right there and their life changed. So it can be a changing experience and we just need to put it in the right perspective. These are hard things, but are very, very worthwhile to learn. It makes so much sense to come to the table of family and friend challenges prepared with sound biblical principles.
Julie (00:33:11): Okay, now that we know what to bring to the table, the next logical question is, how do we use it when our situation is not ideal?
Rick (00:33:20): That's a big question. To be truthful, because there are so many different kinds of family and friendship relationships, we should expect that most challenges will not have easily implemented solutions. I said they won't. We all know the odds of everyone being in a mental and emotional space all at the same time to actually manage issues. We all know the odds there are pretty slim. So this simply means that the action we take needs to be driven by God's grace and His strength. So what I'm saying is, the actions we take can't be too, okay, I'm going to solve it with this. The actions we take have to be, by God's grace, I'm going to respond in this way to contribute to the best possible outcome and leave the rest in God's hands. There's a big difference in that approach.
Julie (00:34:10): So we briefly touched how relationships like my friend's nephew, we've got to put them on hold as one extreme. But our next question is really a more recoverable situation. How can I contribute to my family and close friend relationships, even if others seem distant or uninterested? And I think you just hinted a little bit about what you're going to say here. 1 Corinthians 13:7 says, "Love hopes all things."
Rick (00:34:35): Selfless love has positive expectations in all of our experiences.
Julie (00:34:42): "All" is a big word. <Laugh> How does it work?
Rick (00:34:45): Well, and again, with our family and close friend relationships, we start with that family love, that give and take. And sometimes that give and take gets challenged. And we need to really, really step up to the next level, that selfless love level, because that's where we can get the positive expectation. In the give and take, I might be kind of mad at you Julie, and say, I just don't want to talk to Julie.
Julie (00:35:08): Uh oh!
Rick (00:35:09): <Laugh> But selfless love would say, I care about Julie more than I care about my feelings. So I need to work on this, I need to approach this, I need to try harder, I need to put things in a different perspective.
Julie (00:35:23): So at times when it's challenging that selfless love is going to override your natural propensity to be repelled.
Rick (00:35:28): That's right. That's what we're trying to do. That's what the scriptures are telling us. So when faced with family or friend challenges raise the bar regarding your personal contributions to the situation. Christian love says to love those around you after the example of God and Jesus. Stepping up that which is natural, natural love, to that higher level of selfless love.
Julie (00:35:53): This reminds me of, in marriage, even though the give and take of family love and cherishing is powerful, we're told in Ephesians 5:25 to go higher and intentionally love selflessly. It says, "Husbands love" (that's that agape love) "your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it." This really challenges us to build on the natural and add what is spiritual. Nurturing family and friends takes a lot of time and effort. I asked you previously when we were talking about this - I don't have a lot of close friends, but I have some very, very good close friends, and they're small in number, but it takes a lot of effort to nurture that. We don't have to have everybody as our best friend. Loving our enemies is a requirement even though we don't directly contribute in their lives. So this isn't about expanding our circle, it's about caring for the circle that we have.
Rick (00:36:49): That's why in the Scriptures it tells us that in a marriage relationship, you have to have that give and take. But the selfless love makes it better, makes it stronger, makes it last, makes it more meaningful, makes it deeper. So yes, enhance the personal relationships in that way. So now we have marriage as an example that says, okay, you have that marital love between you, but you also have selfless love. Well, in other person-to-person relationships we're told again, to go higher than whatever form of brotherly love we're experiencing and enjoying. And this comes out in 1 Thessalonians 4:9:
Julie (00:37:27): "But concerning brotherly love" (that's philadelphia love), "you have no need that I should write to you. For you yourselves are taught by God to" (agape) "love one another." So here we see that love combination. So that's that natural affinity kind of love plus that agape selfless love. It's not one or the other, it's both. They work together.
Rick (00:37:47): If we can just begin to understand the power of that, our lives can change just by that one realization, we can easily recognize and usually apply brotherly love. Okay, that's something that we're used to because it's somewhat instinctive. Selfless love, it needs to be learned, it needs to be practiced and therefore can become common. Again, the whole point here is step up to that higher level, adding it to what you already do and are, and see how the relationship can go in the right direction.
Julie (00:38:24): Love hopes all things, but how does it endure all things? That's the next part of that scripture.
Rick (00:38:30): Selfless love preserves under the weight of all experiences. Being part of a family or having close family or close friends, it's a real privilege. Being part of a communicative, flourishing and supportive family or close friend relationship is an extraordinary privilege. We have the privilege, but is it extraordinary? Are we working to build it to that next level? To get to that next level, there are three simple but not easy how-to steps. Remember we talked about the what, now we're talking about the how-to steps. These steps especially apply, especially apply when our family or close friends are not in their strongest emotional condition. What follows needs to be tempered by guess what? Selfless love, honor, and family cherishing.
Julie (00:39:20): That's interesting. Strongest emotional condition. They're not - that's really very generous of you to say, because sometimes they're really just very difficult to deal with, aren't they? So again, but isn't there the danger here of being taken advantage of like with my friend and her nephew?
Rick (00:39:36): Yeah, there is, there is. Let me give you another personal example. Okay. Sometimes you have the opportunity to help somebody who's in need financially. We've been blessed and we've been able to do that many, many, many times. Sometimes you do that with the idea of to give somebody the opportunity to work their way out of an issue. Then you'd say, okay, pay us back when you can. Now, sometimes they don't and you have to decide, okay, I'm giving, I'm not expecting it back. I'd like them to learn that lesson, but I can't hold them to it. I just had the experience where about a year ago gave somebody - it was over $1,000 to help them with something that they just didn't have money for. I said, look, whenever you can, whenever you can, pay it back. I make it a policy to never mention it again on purpose, because it's their conscience, it's their life, it's their experience. I just let it go. And I truly, truly, truly let it go. Well, just within the last several days, this individual found me and handed me an envelope and said, "Here, it's all there."
Julie (00:40:47): I'll bet that doesn't happen very often!
Rick (00:40:49): It doesn't happen as often maybe as you'd like, but it's okay. It's all good. What I told the individual was, I said, okay, look, first of all, thank you because I haven't reminded you and you did this entirely on your own. That means a lot to me. But the second thing I want you to understand is that this money in this envelope is now earmarked to go help somebody else. And you know what I'm going to do? I'm not even going to open the envelope. It's going to stay sealed. When the opportunity arises, that will be in the hands of somebody else in need with the same sense of personal responsibility. Yeah, you can get taken advantage of. But what you're trying to do is lift people up. If you get taken advantage and you're trying to lift them up, as long as they're not hurting themselves or others, you know what? It's okay. Just let's work with it. Let's work with it. So let's get to these how-to steps. Three things. Listen to your family or friend. That's one, acknowledge what they say. That's two. Act on it. That's three. How do we do this? Let's start with listen. How do we hone our ability to listen to those closest to us? Listen for guidance from above. So if you want to hone your skills in listening, try listening. To what? To God's word. James 1:10-22:
Julie (00:42:07): "This my beloved brethren, but everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger, for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. Therefore, putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls, but prove yourself doers of the word and not merely hearers who delude themselves." That's hearing the word of God and being receptive to what's being said. That's really hard to do if we're angry or in a self-righteous mood.
Rick (00:42:40): Yeah. Yeah. Listening from above is a good recipe to dissolve the anger or self-righteousness. Open and honest family relationships grow in the fertile ground of our personal humility before God. Even if the thoughts or expressions of our family, our friends are emotional or flighty or even morally shaky or angry or selfish, listen, listen. Anyway, affirm where they are to help with overcoming the fear of doing this. The fear of affirming something. Think about going to God in prayer. Sometimes when we go to God in prayer, aren't we emotional or flighty or maybe even morally unstable or angry or selfish, and yet we believe he'll hear us? Let's use that example and try to emulate it in our lives as best as we can. Listening is a very important aspect of this.
Julie (00:43:34): Let's take the log out of your own eye. <Laugh> First, because people, we want to give them space for listening. That makes sense.
Rick (00:43:43): Yes. It's not enough to listen. You need to acknowledge. Our acknowledgement of our family and friends' questions and expressions doesn't mean we agree if something's off. You can acknowledge something that you absolutely don't agree with because you're just saying, okay, I see that it's there. However, it does mean that we pay attention, close attention so we can understand them. And so they can know that we are trying to understand them. You see, when you acknowledge somebody, they know that you're really working at putting the pieces together. Our responses to their questions and expressions need clear framing.
Julie (00:44:21): We might say something like, "Well what I'm hearing you say is," and we repeat back to them so they know we're validating their importance to us because we're taking down any of our self-defense. So I think that even if we don't resolve the issue, it at least we are respectful and it keeps respect in the conversation, which means we can survive to talk another day.
Rick (00:44:43): <Laugh> And that's a good way to put it, "survive to talk another day." We've got to have that acknowledgement in our mind. So the principle is something we want to lock onto. And this next scripture we're going to quote, it's going to be Deuteronomy 6:20-25. It's a scripture that's talking about a father talking to a son in Old Testament times. It's a very specific context, but we want to take the principles out of this to understand the acknowledgement process. First there is input from our family or friend about something important. We need to acknowledge that input. We've got the context of Deuteronomy 6:20-25. Let's begin with verse 20:
Julie (00:45:20): "When your son asks you in time to come saying, what do the testimonies and the statutes and the judgments mean, which the Lord our God commanded you?"
Rick (00:45:29): It's like, "Dad, why are we doing this?" The principle here is, when a family member or friend is having an issue and they bring it to you, work at focusing on just them and only asking short questions. Why? Because you want to keep them talking and revealing what's on their mind. In my experience, when you keep somebody talking, they'll get further and be more comfortable and tell you more. Now you can understand. So that's the first principle, is acknowledge the input, acknowledge it. Second principle, focus on an honest answer as completely stated and as appropriate as it can be for those circumstances. Every answer in full detail may not be appropriate depending on age and circumstance. Let's look at Deuteronomy 6:21-22:
Julie (00:46:17): "Then you shall say to your son, we were slaves to Pharaoh in Egypt and the Lord brought us from Egypt with a mighty hand. Moreover, the Lord showed great and distressing signs and wonders before our eyes against Egypt, Pharaoh in all his household. He brought us out from there in order to bring us in to give us the land which he had sworn to our fathers." In context, this was talking about a traumatic experience and the answer given is appropriate. In a family dynamic, we want to be careful about being appropriate. With adults, I think we can have this propensity to cross into gossip. We need to be careful to protect our relationships and not talk behind someone's back. If someone has a problem with someone else, an appropriate response might be, well, I'm sorry that they hurt you, as opposed to, wow, they really are awful <laugh> to intentionally do this to you! Because you can very easily add fuel to the fire, especially if someone's vulnerable. That's not going to be helpful to repair that relationship.
Rick (00:47:17): You're right. We have to be really, really careful. Again, if you're starting to talk about other people, you shouldn't be and <laugh> so you got to be awfully (warning! warning!). Yeah. Be sure that your pride's put away, that's what you're saying. Work at seeing the issue through their eyes. Remember that "a soft answer turns away wrath." Remember that humility, honesty, and appropriateness can change something horrible into something handleable. We have the capacity to change that if we approach it with the right kind of attitude and with the right kind of humility. The third point here is to continue to acknowledge their input by carefully concluding your perspective. If you gave them a little bit, now you want to draw to a conclusion in a wise way. Deuteronomy 6:24-25:
Julie (00:48:01): "So the LORD commanded us to observe all these statutes, to fear the LORD our God for our good always and for our survival as it is today. It will be righteousness for us if we are careful to observe all this commandment before the LORD our God just as He commanded us.
Rick (00:48:16): Acknowledgement is not just listening and nodding; it is responding, it's being appropriate, it's being humble and trying to apply wisdom wherever we can. Sometimes this process can be uncomfortable because of subject matter and because of context, but the discomfort is well worth the potential result. Again, put yourself in a position to be helpful, selflessly loving them so that you can help to raise the situation up higher. Julie, revisiting, refocusing and reestablishing our relationships. Where are we?
Julie (00:48:48): Approaching issues with family and close friends is best accomplished from a selfless love perspective. While this isn't necessarily natural, it is the best way to communicate. Listening with great intention and then acknowledging what you've heard establishes and builds a roadway to solving difficult issues.
Rick (00:49:07): Listening with great intention, be focused on your listening. Acknowledge. Those are really, really important places to start. But we're not done with all of this yet. Keeping personal relationships healthy sounds like an awful lot of work. Hmm, you know what? That's because it is work. Mm-Hmm <affirmative>, but boy is it worth the effort.
Julie (00:49:29): We really need to focus in on what our family or friend is actually saying, but once we understand it, what do we do next?
Rick (00:49:36): As hard as the putting aside of our feelings to get to the bottom of the issue might be, the next step needs us to go further. Once we are at the point of having the issue on the table, we now need to do something about it, even if we can't solve the issue. And for the record, that's usually the case. It's usually the case. We can't solve the issue. We can though, we can take helpful, supportive, and positive action to move forward. So let's continue.
Julie (00:50:06): We didn't quite finish our current question, which was, How can I contribute to my family and close friend relationships even if others seem distant or uninterested? We've responded with our selfless love as our basis. We've listened carefully, we've respectfully acknowledged what our family member or friend has said, but now we need to act.
Rick (00:50:26): Act. Now Julie, you've been telling me that all kinds of words are really big words, right, even if they're little. Act is a three letter word, and it's one of the biggest words that we're looking at. We need to act and we need to act appropriately. Act. Heartfelt and honest conversation and understanding, it's an amazing start. When we act on this, it shows our family member or our friend that their perspective and their input are vital to us. Action shows respect. Respect shows that we as family or friends deeply value their relationship. When you act on something, you are "sealing" your care for them. We've got to be acting in the right way. There's several things here: First, act based on godly principles. We're going to be looking at Romans 12:9-16. Let's begin with verse 9:
Julie (00:51:25): "Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to that which is good."
Rick (00:51:31): There is a lot there. What word for "love" is that, Julie?
Julie (00:51:35): "Let love" ...Oh, that's the agape love. That's selfless love.
Rick (00:51:37): Right. That's that highest form of love. It let it be without hypocrisy. Let it be pure. Abhor evil. Now look, if somebody's doing something wrong, you abhor what they're doing. You don't abhor them. This is the action. This is how selfless love can get us into the right position, based on godly principles. That's where selfless love comes from. So that's the basis. Next, act with deep devotion. This means controlling, controlling, controlling (uh oh!) our anger and our reactions. <Laugh> That's what it means.
Julie (00:52:16): That's hard.
Rick (00:52:16): Mm-Hmm <affirmative>. It is, it's hard. It's hard. It's hard. <Laugh> Romans 12:10:
Julie (00:52:20): "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love." That's that philadelphia love. Give preference to one another in honor, not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord. Remember when we talked about adding love here, brotherly love doesn't go away because of agape love. It's still in play. But agape love layers in with the instinctual basis of family love. I think that's how, when we're mad, when we want to control these emotions, that's when we need to have that selfless love kick in and override.
Rick (00:52:50): But you see how both of them work together in 12:9, it was agape love. In 12:10, it's brotherly love; it's all focused on the same objective. That's the beauty of this. So we're acting based on godly principles, acting with deep devotion. Next, act knowing that life is hard, but can be handled when we keep our Christian perspective in order, no matter how hard it is, it can be coped with. Romans 12:12-15:
Julie (00:53:19): "Rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality. Bless those who persecute you. Bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep." Rick, this is a masterclass in spiritual action. It so practically and specifically shows that outgrowth of both kinds of love. You go write down that list, you want to know what to do. These things are what you can start doing.
Rick (00:53:49): Yeah. And a lot of these things would be natural when we're in a good mood. <Laugh>
Julie (00:53:53): Right! Or the other person's responding the way we think they should.
Rick (00:53:56): Right. They would be natural on the family love level. But if things aren't going well, that's where the selfless love says, we should still be engaged in this way as well. It is, it's a masterclass in putting relationships in a place where they can be healed. Act with firm and clear consistency. This is where we go next. Our loved ones respond when they know they can count on us to be a righteous support for them in their hardest times. There is a powerful response when somebody knows they can count on you. Romans 12:16:
Julie (00:54:35): "Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation."
Rick (00:54:43): We've all heard the old saying, actions speak louder than words. That's true. Well, think about this. Godly actions that are based on words and expressions of a struggling one speak more loudly than the rest. We can really make an impression to heal a wound, to close a gap, to create a communication, to begin walking along the same path. If we do these things, if we act based on godly principles with deep devotion, knowing that life is hard and with clear consistency. When we're doing that, our loved ones respond because they see something in us and they say, I can count on you. Julie, that's the bottom line. We want to be able to be counted upon. Likewise, we want to count on one another. We've got to put this all in order. Just put it all in order. Strong relationships always require strong attention. Sometimes this can make us tired, it can make us weary, it can make us feel like, I don't know if I can do this again. Galatians 6:9-10:
Julie (00:55:58): "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."
Rick (00:56:13): Don't give up. Strong relationships require strong attention. Sometimes life is hard and sometimes you think we're at an impasse. Again, Julie, in personal experience, I can't tell you how many times been in a situation where we've had individuals completely at an impasse. There is no way to get through it. And yet, because they both really want to, they figure it out by applying scriptural principles. It absolutely works. We want to be the friend or the family member that apply those godly principles and not give up. Don't, don't, don't. It's just you miss so much opportunity when we give up to be inspired to live such a life. Julie, we're talking about this really great thing here, aren't we? Ot's magnificent to look at it and you say, how can this possibly be? Because it sounds almost like a fantasy, like you're saying, well, yeah, and they all lived happily ever after. Nobody lives happily ever after, incidentally. Let's put that in order. Everybody lives faithfully ever after when they put these things in order. It's not always happy, but it's faithful and it's respectful, and it's cherishing, and it's loving. To be inspired to live such a life, what do we do? Remember we said, listen to Jesus. Well, now let's look at Jesus. Let's listen to what he said and then look at what, how he accomplished it. John 15:9-13:
Julie (00:57:49): "Just as the Father has loved me, I also have loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in His love. These things I have spoken to you so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be made full. This is my commandment, that you love one another just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than one lay down his life for his friends."
Rick (00:58:19): Julie, this is actually a basis for Part III of this series. We're going to be looking at Part III based on 1 Corinthians 13, but also John 15:9-13. Look at the example of Jesus. "Love one another the way I have loved you." Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. Inevitably, his love cost him his life. It cost him pain, it cost him suffering, and he did it gladly and willingly. That's our example. Can we do it that way? No, no, no. We're not that good. But we can try, and in our little imperfect way, we can step up to a higher level than we've ever lived at. That's the key.
Julie (00:58:58): He honored God in that. The words "God honoring" keep flashing in my head. If we can do this, we're God honoring.
Rick (00:59:04): God so loved the world that he sent Jesus. We honor God by following Jesus in this way. With Jesus as our example, we should keep our best or give our best efforts to our relationships, especially our close relationships. One final scripture, and Julie, I love this scripture. 1 Peter 1:22:
Julie (00:59:28): "Seeing you've purified your souls in your obedience to the truth unto unfeigned love of the brethren, love one another from the heart fervently." I know this is one of your favorite scriptures because this shows that family love and agape love together. It's unfeigned, it's genuine, it's sincere, brotherly love, but it's also that intense, fervent, selfless love. These kinds of loves, again, they're working together. They're genuine. They're intense. You don't agape at the expense of brotherly love because that would be incomplete. You need them both.
Rick (01:00:03): The other key factor here is the Apostle Peter learned this. He didn't understand selfless love early on. Peter denied Jesus three times. Remember? Even though Jesus warned him. Then Jesus came back after he was raised and he said, do you love me? Do you agape love me? Yes, I love you philio. I love you in a brotherly sense. He didn't understand the two. And when I read 1 Peter 1:22, what I see is the apostle Peter grown up as a solid pillar of Christianity and righteousness and understanding. Both must work together. The Apostle Peter wrote this, not because it was theoretically correct. He wrote it because it was learned through hard experience. And if Peter could learn it, so can we. Powerful. Let's wrap this. Revisiting, refocusing and reestablishing my relationships. What do we have?
Julie (01:01:01): It can be very challenging to move up to a level of godly action from talking something through. Why? Because when we actually communicate, we feel like we've accomplished something - and we have. However, that communication was like a key that unlocked a tightly closed door. Our rejoicing needs to be in the unlocking and the ability to pass through that previously inaccessible door to a new and better place.
Rick (01:01:30): We can choose to apply these things and make our relationship stronger, better, more scripturally sound, more God-honoring. Folks, the whole key is, we've got to start somewhere. We've got to put it in place and we have to take the small steps. "Love one another, as I have loved you." Take that brotherly love, that family love, build upon it and make it work. Think about it. Folks, we love hearing from our listeners. We welcome your feedback and questions on this episode and other episodes at ChristianQuestions.com. Coming up in our next episode, "How Strong Are My Relationships? (Part III)." There is more to come. Talk to you next week.
Final Notes (01:02:16): copyright @2023 Christian Questions In addition to this transcript, we provide comprehensive CQ Rewind Show Notes for every episode. They include every scripture quoted during the podcast, as well as graphics, illustrations and bonus material. Click the "CQ Rewind Show Notes" button near the audio player or sign up to receive these weekly at ChristianQuestions.com. This transcript was created using artificial intelligence. While we believe it to be accurate, we apologize for any errors that may exist.