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Announcer (00:00:00): It's time to think about the Bible like you never have before. This is Christian Questions. After this episode, go to ChristianQuestions.com to check out other episodes, Bible study resources, videos, download the CQ app and more. Today's topic is, How Strong Are My Relationships? Coming up in this episode, if we want our personal relationships to be valuable, we need to face the fact that they take work, lots of work. There's so much more to them than texting, posting and sending emojis. Whatever happened to handwritten letters? So, how do we go about building truly solid relationships? Here's Rick, Jonathan, and Julie.

Rick (00:00:41): Welcome everyone. I'm Rick. I'm joined by Jonathan, my co-host for over 20 years. And Julie, a longtime CQ contributor, is also with us. Jonathan, what's our theme scripture for this episode?

Jonathan (00:00:54): Colossians 3:13,14: "Bearing with one another and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. And beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity."

Rick (00:01:12): This may sound odd, but for a moment, think about your personal relationships like a car. You depend on your car, though you generally don't think much about it. When you get in and you're ready to go, if it doesn't start or if it breaks down, well, it creates an issue. A lack of attention and maintenance will inevitably bring trouble. Proper maintenance is key to keep it running smoothly and to keeping you happy. Well, our personal relationships are immeasurably more important than our car, so we need to keep them in good working order as well. Because there's so many kinds of personal relationships, let's start by looking at marriage. What are some basic principles to keep our marriages going and growing?

Julie (00:01:57): We are not marriage counselors and aren't pretending to be, but we have been married to our spouses for a combined 102 years, and we are focused on contributing to healthy relationships through better Biblical understanding. There's been a lot of learning through these married years, and we're going to quote from a wonderful and familiar set of scriptures that are going to guide us as a continual reference point throughout this episode. Really the entire three-part series about strengthening all of our relationships, not just marriage. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

Jonathan (00:02:30): "Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, it is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Rick (00:02:56): Now these are scriptures that we've read many, many, many, many times. We're going to find is there are so many answers in these few verses, so many answers. So we're going to really focus in on these verses throughout this episode. I want to just add another disclaimer, if you will, as we look at this episode on marriage. We're really going to be focusing in on functional marriages that have challenges. There's a difference between a functional and a dysfunctional marriage. Now, for those of you who may be in a dysfunctional marriage that's just broken, do not give up hope. Do not say, oh, this is not for me, because it is. It's just that in that circumstance, there's a little more work required. Oftentimes outside help is important as well. So keep all of those things in mind as we move through. There are several questions for consideration as we look at healthy relationships. Jonathan or Julie, let's get started with these.

Julie (00:03:48): The first question is, how do you measure the health of a marriage relationship?

Jonathan (00:03:52): And what are the most important foundations to build a marriage relationship upon?

Julie (00:03:57): What are the common areas of weakness in marriage relationships?

Jonathan (00:04:01): And what should I always bring to the table in marriage relationships?

Julie (00:04:05): And finally, how can I contribute to my marriage relationship even if my spouse seems distant? So let's start off with our first question, which was, how do you measure the health of a marriage relationship?

Rick (00:04:17): How do you do that? Well, you measure love and you measure respect. Now, what do we mean measure - is it 32 1/2 inches? The idea is when you measure love, you say, look, how full is the cup? When I look at myself, how much do I have love? We're going to define that in a moment, inside of me in relation to my relationship. How much does my respect for my spouse show? What is it based on? That's what we mean by measuring love and respect. So Jonathan, let's start with love.

Jonathan (00:04:49): The Greek language has several different kinds of love. There are three words that describe the affection between spouses, parents to children and children to parents. It's a give and take kind of love. This kind of love is basic and largely instinctive. Titus uses two of these Greek words in Titus 2:3-4: "'The older women, likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things, that they admonished the young women to love their husbands, to love their children."

Julie (00:05:25): One of the more famous Greek words for love is agape or agapao. And that's a selfless and benevolent kind of love that gives with no expectation or requirement of reciprocation. It's the kind of love that's only concerned with the wellbeing of the receiving person. We see this in John 15:11. It says , "These things I've spoken to you that my joy may remain in you and that your joy may be full. This is my commandment," of course, this is Jesus speaking, "that you love (agape), love one another as I have loved (agape selfless) love you."

Rick (00:06:00): When we look at the idea of love in marriage, what we're talking about, what we're measuring, we want to focus on that second kind of love, Julie, that you just talked about, that agape love, that selfless love, the other kind, the family love. That's give and take. That's truly, truly, truly important. But we're looking at the selfless love at this point because that's the love in 1 Corinthians chapter 13. And that we will find is a powerful way to build a foundation for a real strong relationship, whether it be marriage or something else. So as we look at this revisiting, refocusing and reestablishing my relationships, Jonathan, we've just started. But what do we have so far?

Jonathan (00:06:46): Measuring the health of my marriage should begin with measuring what I contribute and what I control in this relationship. I ultimately decide how to love my spouse. So my first questions needs to be about how I am measuring up to the kind of marriage I would like to have. And Rick, that sounds all well and good to do and that's important. But what about when life changes? What happens if your spouse becomes disabled, gets ill or loses their job? Whatever it is, life changes. How do we change with it in our marriage?

Rick (00:07:22): This is why we ask the question, how do you measure the health of a marriage relationship? We answer it with selfless love and respect. Because when life changes, you may feel differently. But see, selfless love doesn't act differently. Whatever the change that comes into life may be, this is a way to manage it. Tvery confident of this because this is how Jesus taught us to do it. This is a scriptural baseline principle. So selfless love always comes first. The bottom line is, no matter what the change, that selfless love says, you are important to me. And again, that's what Jesus taught us. So that's a little bit about the basis of selfless love and measuring that, how is that coming out from me? The next aspect of looking at how healthy is my marriage is, when I look in the mirror, and I look at the word respect, what does that mean?

Rick (00:08:24): To be respectful of someone is to show them honor. This is different than selfless love. Selfless love will treat all in the same way. It gives equally to all. Jesus died for all men equally. Honor and respect lift someone to a higher position than others around them for the purpose of having a relationship with them. Now the thing about it is when we talk about respect in the New Testament, the word for respect doesn't really come up. But the word for honor does. We see the New Testament word for honor is what we're really focusing on when we talk about respect.

Jonathan (00:08:58): Our first New Testament word for honor means a value, a valuing by which the price is fixed. Honor, which belongs or is shown to and difference or reverence. So basically it's how we fix a value upon someone or something. We find an example in 1 Peter 3:7: "You husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way as with someone weaker since she is a woman. And show her honor as a fellow heir of her grace of life so that your prayers will not be hindered." Our next Greek word is a little different. It means to honor, to have an honor, to revere or venerate. In other words, to hold in a high position. So for example, this word is used in 1 Timothy 5:3: "Honor widows that are widows indeed." And in 1 Peter 2:17: "Honor all men."

Julie (00:09:58): In today's world, one way to honor our spouse in the everyday is to--here's a thought - -lift our noses from our phones long enough to really focus on our spouses. And this even has a name, it's phone snubbing or "phubbing." Did you know that?

Rick (00:10:14): I didn't know that.

Julie (00:10:15): Oh, that's p h u b b i n g. We are most likely to do this to those closest to us. And so unfortunately it makes the other person feel rejected and like they don't matter. And in public, I see parents doing this to their children all the time where they're glued to their phone. So remember, we don't want to be "phubbers."

Rick (00:10:32): That's right. You really flub when you phub. So here's the thing. The idea of respect again is to hold that other person in high esteem. And that's because that's where they belong in your life. If you are married, you have a covenant that was made before God. That lifts that person higher by definition. We want to hold onto that respect. Even if we're having a hard time, maybe we don't like what our spouse is doing or saying or thinking or we don't like the direction of our life or whatever it is, the honor of the covenant should still be present. When we say check selfless love and check honor, those are the things we're talking about. And in my experience, when you put those things in order, the rest is now handleable. Let's wrap this piece up. Revisiting, refocusing and reestablishing my relationships. Jonathan, what do we have?

Jonathan (00:11:37): Measuring the health of my marriage needs this follow up question. Is there a visible, palpable, mutual respect present? This is not the kind of respect reflected in the proclamation of mere words. It is not some announcement to be heard and admired. This is the kind of respect that shows up in the actions, gestures, and accomplishments of real life. It is respect that is woven into the fabric of one's own character that shows itself simply because it is there.

Julie (00:12:12): Well, a common complaint becomes, my spouse doesn't appreciate me anymore. We first need to turn that around and make sure that we are expressing appreciation to our spouse in a way that they can see it. And the reality is marriage has ebbs and flows. It's not all rainbows and sunshine every minute. And that's okay. And that's what we want to do here. We want to put these scriptural foundations in place so that we can build from there.

Rick (00:12:38): And you're right, there's ebb and flow and my spouse doesn't appreciate me. And sure, maybe, but do I appreciate them? Where is my respect? We're going to expand this as we go because we are just literally at this moment scratching the surface. So love in its different forms and respect are profoundly important basics. Realizing that I control how I use them puts me in a powerful role.

Jonathan (00:13:06): We can easily look at our marriage and see that it needs improvement. The question is how do I go about doing the work?

Rick (00:13:14): It's so important to realize that wishing and hoping for things to change is a misuse of our mental and emotional energy. What we need to do is apply that energy to first locating a starting point for change. Then actually starting. Every important and fulfilling journey always begins with one step. And so that comes down to a simple thing that this is Rick-ism. What is your next right, small step? I don't know how many times I've said that.

Julie (00:13:48): Yeah, things can seem overwhelming.

Rick (00:13:50): Yes, yeah.

Julie (00:13:51): But we want to narrow that down so that our only responsibility is to take that next small right step. And that becomes the mission. You don't have to climb a mountain, you just have to take that small step. So that makes it not so difficult.

Rick (00:14:01): And if we would just focus on that piece, things would be dramatically different. So now that we've pointed out the existence of issues, and yes there are issues, our first step is to simply identify the most basic and important things to focus our solutions upon. If you see that there are issues, you got two choices. I can say, wow, these issues are big, these are bad. I don't know what I'm going to do. This is awful. Or you can look for solutions. And that's what we're doing from a scriptural perspective. So Jonathan, where do we go next?

Jonathan (00:14:30): This brings us to our second main question. What are the most important foundations to build a marriage relationship upon? Because we know that love and respect are fundamentals, we now need to translate these fundamentals into a solid foundation to build upon. Because selfless love feeds everything, including respect. Let's introduce a few more principles that come from this kind of love; commitment, patience, and kindness.

Rick (00:15:00): Okay. Those are three words that are very important, that are a baseline for us to begin with. And those are the three words we're going to now focus on as we look at the most important foundations to build our marriage relationship upon. So we start with commitment. Respect begins with selfless love, and it makes true commitment possible and foundational. Our respect must first be for God. Make no mistake, our respect must start with God if I want to have it work in the rest of my relationship as a Christian. Truly respecting God is the very basis of our ability to truly respect and therefore have a strong commitment to those around us. Let's look at 1 Timothy 1:17:

Jonathan (00:15:48): "Now to the king, eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."

Rick (00:15:57): See, when you look at a scripture like that and you say, boy, honor God, that's the word. It's easy to commit when you see such value in someone. We see such value in God; yes, it's easy to commit to that. Well, that same word for honor needs to be toward one another. So let's look at that and see that value. This respecting of others is most evident in marriage and its meaning. Going back to the institution of marriage, we see the ingredients for this marriage commitment.

Jonathan (00:16:31): When we honor our spouse, when we have a respect that wants to lift them up as valued, it is easy to commit. It is a stereotype that men have "commitment issues." <laugh> Rick, this means you aren't willing to lift someone up to that high level without having an out.

Rick (00:16:51): You're right. That's a really unfortunate thing. Because men, if you're listening, you have no idea what you're missing out on by not elevating your spouse in that basic level of respect. It changes everything.

Julie (00:17:08): Let's go back to the very beginning and look at how the book of Genesis shows us the woman's value. Because God intentionally made her Adam's most valuable part of God's creation. She was given honor by the fact that she was created and how she was created. We, this is familiar, but let's read it. Genesis 2:18:

Jonathan (00:17:28): "Then the Lord God said, it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him."

Julie (00:17:35): We think "helper," and we might think inferior or servitude, but the whole idea of a helper is not one who's less than, but one who corresponds to the individual needing help. And we know this for sure because God is our helper in Psalm 33:20:

Jonathan (00:17:53): "Our soul waits for the Lord. He is our help and our shield." Obviously, God is more than, not less than.

Julie (00:18:01): Exactly.

Rick (00:18:02): This is such an important concept. As we go through this Genesis scripture, we're going to see the development of this love and respect without saying those words, but it's absolutely there. There's a natural level of commitment when we're matched with one who suits our needs, with that helper that you just talked about. The next level of commitment comes when we share commonality, things that are common to both of us. Adam and Eve were both direct creations of God. This is really important. Genesis 2:21-22:

Jonathan (00:18:36): "So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man and he slept. Then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which he had taken from the man and brought her to the man." Eve was created to be an exact mate from Adam and for Adam. Genesis 2:23: "The man said, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man."

Rick (00:19:08): Okay. So you have that sense of closeness, that sense of attachment. You cannot find a closer, more suitable partner than was just explained. Bone of my bones. Both creations, direct creations of God. Complete commitment was obvious in this and in the conclusion of this creation account, because here's what it says to finish it, Genesis 2:24-25:

Jonathan (00:19:39): "For this reason, a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked but were not ashamed." There is a beauty in the concept that Ecclesiastes 4:12 brings out. Rick, I know you and I have both used this verse when performing marriage ceremonies. It reads, And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. The meaning is this, a husband and wife can support, defend and pick each other up. But without the third cord, which is God being the centerpiece throughout their marriage, without Him, they could come unraveled and and fall apart.

Rick (00:20:26): Yeah. And you think of the hymn, "Blessed Be the Tie that Binds." There's that thing that holds you together. And folks, what it is is something bigger than us. It's a beautiful scripture for the picture of marriage. This is the ultimate example of respecting God, and therefore respecting His work. Understand when you respect God, it's shown by respecting His work. This respect includes being self-respecting as well. Within this scripture, we find commitment and family love. The Genesis account that we just looked at is comprehensive. It's simple, it's straightforward, and it helps us to see the big picture of what commitment really is and how it's driven. And the bottom line, it's driven by much more than something that happens in life. It's much bigger than that. So revisiting, refocusing, and reestablishing my relationships. Jonathan, go ahead.

Jonathan (00:21:27): Genuine godly commitment is a true foundation stone of marriage. It always brings higher levels of respect to and from all who are involved.

Julie (00:21:37): Yeah, that's all well and good. But what if you lose respect for your spouse? What if they do something or they stand for something that contributes to your growing apart? Then what do you do?

Rick (00:21:49): Well, let's ask the question, what did God do with the sin of Adam? I mean, wouldn't that be a great reason to lose respect? I tell you to obey and you didn't. What God did was planned for his reconciliation, planned for his ransom. So his respect for Adam as his creation stayed intact. Now Adam suffered the consequences, but the respect didn't change. And that's why God sent Jesus. That's the way our respect for our spouse should work. It should stay intact. The circumstances, yes, they need to be dealt with. The respect, it should be high, like God's respect for sinful man is high because of Jesus' sacrifice. Put it in perspective. So we've talked a lot about commitment. The other marriage foundation stones, remember we said there were three words. It was first commitment, then patience, and then kindness.

Jonathan (00:22:46): 1 Corinthians 13:4: "Love is patient. Love is kind." Now remember, this is the selfless agape love we're talking about. The list of what love is aptly begins with patience. God's patience is eternal. And we are called to live patiently as well. The word for patience means forbearance or subjectively, fortitude with long enduring temper. Leniently, to be long-spirited; that is objectively forbearing or subjectively patient. So in other words, holding up under pressure, endurance. The Amplified Bible says, "Love endures with patience and serenity."

Julie (00:23:30): Ideally, marriage lasts a lifetime. So having endurance or long patience is definitely required. And patience is more than just waiting around. So it also means not collecting on something you are entitled to in a functional marriage. It's loving them in spite of the immediate situation. You calmly explain what you need them to do, say or not do and say. We don't just quit when things get frustrating or irritating. And it's okay to give yourself a timeout to step away from the situation so we can think more clearly about it and not say or do something that we're going to regret.

Rick (00:24:06): I like that. Give yourself a timeout. <Laugh> That's that's very good self-reflective discipline. I need a timeout. I'm going to go take it because you keep things in perspective. Let's look at Ephesians 4:1-2 in regard to this patience and forbearance:

Jonathan (00:24:25): "Therefore, I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love." That's that selfless love.

Rick (00:24:40): So patience or long suffering is here being defined as a willingness to be non-reactive, which means a willingness to be appropriate. Now you can say, well, it's appropriate for me to react because I'm really mad. No, it's not. It's appropriate for me to be a Christian example of selfless love and work out the issue. That's the appropriateness. That's why we started with selfless love. This, this foundation stone of marriage absolutely implies being communicative, being able to talk. It also tells us to be willing to wait for the situation to completely unfold and to be disciplined in holding back. Julie, like you said, give yourself a timeout <laugh> This patience gives the benefit of the doubt and can only truly be displayed by mankind through a humble spirit. Nothing works without humility.

Julie (00:25:36): Rick, let me stop you right there, because I asked your wife, Trish, to give us a little insight about what it's like being married to you for these last how many years?

Rick (00:25:47): 42. Oh boy, plug my ears.<Laugh>.

Julie (00:25:49): Okay, 42 years. And you're a father, grandfather, minister, business owner, and you work on Christian questions like 48 hours a day. <Laugh>. So here's what she said. Being married to Rick is like he's flying and I hold on tight. He's enthusiastic, passionate, lots of energy, focus and drive. He's a visionary and is a hundred percent devoted to following God's direction in his life. He's a great communicator and listener. What makes our marriage work? We balance each other out because he helps me fly and I keep him from spiraling into outer space.

Rick (00:26:28): <Laugh> That is so incredibly, utterly, amazingly true.

Julie (00:26:33): Isn't that so great though, I see the balance in you. She keeps you grounded and you keep her flying.

Rick (00:26:41): Yeah, it's beautiful. And look, it's not always that easy eitherbecause we are very different in a lot of ways. But the beauty is that you work through those things and this patience, the commitment, the agape love, the respect, all of that comes into play. And yes, it's been 42 years, 42 years, I mean, two thirds of my life I have been married. <Laugh> And that to me, that is like the greatest thing ever. So thank you my dear. Not you. My wife. <Laugh> Thank you my dear, my dear Trish, for contributing that That was very sweet and very loving. Jonathan, let's continue. We've talked about patience. What's next?

Jonathan (00:27:21): We've also talked about how patience means forbearance. Now let's focus on love being kind. Remember how 1 Corinthians 13:4 told us love is patient and love is kind. That word translated "kind" means to show oneself useful, that is act benevolently. Ephesians 4:31-32: "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."

Julie (00:27:57): What an interesting definition of kindness to show oneself as useful. It's full expression then is an act of giving. It's an action. It takes a lot to give and take to live with somebody under the same roof. You then you throw in these day-to-day pressures of kids, jobs, money, health, life goals. The list is endless and it's really easy to get annoyed and bicker and pick the other person's flaws apart. But that's not living up to the ideals of being patient and kind. It's not enough to just slam the door and walk away. We can make positive changes like maybe rephrasing in a calm voice. I understand we're both frustrated with this. Let's find a way to do it without yelling. Or like I said before, giving ourselves a timeout. We want to communicate understanding and grace. Ugh, even when it isn't immediately reciprocated. We know this can be difficult.

Rick (00:28:51): <Laugh>. Yeah, that groan really showed how it can be. Been there. Yeah. What? But you know what? We've all been there. And the point is, okay, we've been there. What do we learn? How do we move forward? What do we do next? Look, this kindness, this usefulness, this benevolence also implies very very strong communication. Everything comes down to communication. It really, really, really does. It communicates understanding and grace even if such things are not easily reciprocated. We may be in a circumstance where our spouse is just turned in a corner in their life right now. They're turned away for some reason. It doesn't mean you stop communicating. It doesn't mean that you turn away into your own corner. It means you still have that patience, that forbearance, that carrying the load along, even if they're not able to. And it has that kindness, that usefulness that lets them know, I'm still here. It's okay, we can do this, we can do this, we can do this. This is patience and kindness. These are foundations. This is how commitment actually works. So revisiting, refocusing and reestablishing my relationships, what do we have?

Jonathan (00:29:56): Marriage's most important foundations are commitment based upon respect, along with patience and kindness, which are born out of selfless love. For all of these foundations to be functional, they need to be communicated in plain and simple ways.

Rick (00:30:13): Plain and simple ways. Here's the key to communication: It's not me communicating in a way that I think works. It's me communicating in a way that my spouse can hear. There oftentimes is a difference in that. Look, a house can only be as strong as its foundation. These foundation stones of commitment, patience, and kindness are solid and true.

Jonathan (00:30:38): We are beginning to see where the strengths of marriage are, but what are the areas of marriage in which failure easily occurs?

Rick (00:30:48): <Laugh> Unfortunately, we as imperfect human beings are really creative when it comes to inventing new ways to weaken marriage. Step right up! Five for a dollar! I mean, come on. As our social order leaves God's original design for marriage further, further behind in the rear view mirror of time, we as Christians need to pause, consider, and label several of these kinds of things. Several of these things that can create weakness. So we're going to continue. Julie, what's next?

Julie (00:31:24): We talked about measuring the health of a marriage in terms of love and respect with a foundation of commitment, patience, and kindness. So now we ask what are common areas of weakness in marriage relationships? If you remember, we've been using 1 Corinthians 13 is our guide. It's commonly called the "love chapter." It's interesting that the texts lead us right into warning the potential weak spots. Next. So 1 Corinthians 13:4-6 continues with: "Love is not jealous. Love does not brag. And it's not arrogant. It doesn't act unbecomingly, it doesn't seek its own, it's not provoked, and it doesn't take into account a wrong suffered, and it does not rejoice in unrighteousness."

Rick (00:32:06): Now if you notice in those verses, there's like eight different things that it tells us love is not. Each of these things just happens by coincidence, not. Just no way happens to be the kinds of things that set our marriages off. So let's look at each one of them in order.

Jonathan (00:32:25): Well, let's start with selfless agape love is not jealous.

Julie (00:32:31): That means to be heated or boil in a good or bad sense. Here it means in a bad sense.

Jonathan (00:32:36): Philippians 1:15,17: "Some to be sure are preaching Christ even from envy and strife. But some also from goodwill. The former proclaimed Christ out of selfish ambition rather than from pure motives, thinking to cause me distress in my imprisonment."

Rick (00:32:57): So, a jealous heart. A jealous heart can skew a clear mind by overriding its clarity with emotion. We can be jealous of people, circumstances, things, experiences, words, deeds. To be jealous and allow it to fester is to sabotage and hijack the power of our commitment. Let me say that again. To be jealous and allow it to fester is to sabotage and hijack the power of our commitment. Jealousy easily handicaps and destroys marriages.

Julie (00:33:32): And we don't want to test our spouse or intentionally provoke them to get attention, to make them jealous. Conversely, we don't want to put our spouse in a position where they feel they have to resort to creating drama in order for you to notice them. We shouldn't be out there trying to make them jealous, for example, because we end up with resentment, distrust. That's not the kind of attention that we want.

Rick (00:33:55): Again, we're talking about selfless love. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. Selfless love puts that other person first. That's the way Jesus looked at everyone else. Selfless love is not jealous.

Jonathan (00:34:07): Selfless love does not brag and is not arrogant.

Julie (00:34:11): Of course, that means to extol oneself excessively to inflate, to puff up, to make proud.

Jonathan (00:34:17): Galatians 5:26: "Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another." And another example, 1 Corinthians 8:1: "Now concerning things sacrificed to idols, we know that we have knowledge and knowledge makes arrogant, but love edifies.'

Rick (00:34:37): So we've got Galatians and 1 Corinthians telling us that bragging and arrogance are just not part of the recipe. You want to make a cake, you use the ingredients. You don't use something that's not part of the recipe. The recipe for selfless love is to rise above these things. Bragging identifies a longing for attention, and it's an outward manifestation of the character defect of arrogance. Now look, a marriage can survive bragging and arrogance, but that marriage's health will be dramatically diminished as a result.

Jonathan (00:35:14): And men have no idea what they're missing by being vulnerable enough to have someone else be in such an honorable position in their lives. This isn't showing weakness. This shows strength.

Julie (00:35:27): And the same goes for women as well!

Rick (00:35:30): We all need to realize that. We need to realize that the bragging and the arrogance, it just takes things down. It doesn't build things up. And that's what we're looking to do. This is the greatest covenant, the greatest promise that we can make in life. Let's not look at it through bragging and arrogance. Remember, selfless love does not brag and is not arrogant.

Jonathan (00:35:55): Selfless love does not act unbecomingly.

Julie (00:35:59): This means don't act in a way that doesn't clearly reflect who you are.

Jonathan (00:36:04): James 1:14-15: "But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust is conceived, it gives birth to sin. And when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death."

Rick (00:36:19): See, the acting unbecominglythis can be a slip up. It could be a mistake or it can be a symptom of something deeper. In any case, actions in any circumstance that are not Christlike will bring any marriage, any marriage to a place of doubt and distress. We have to be very careful.

Julie (00:36:41): Here's something to think about. We're disciples of Christ. So if we claim that name of Christ, that's who we are. Acting unbecomingly, like the scripture warns about, does not fit that description.

Jonathan (00:36:52): Discipleship is not what you do, it's who you are.

Rick (00:36:57): Right. Yeah. And oftentimes we lose that. We need to understand we are disciples of Christ and we are married disciples of Christ and on both levels, acting unbecomingly just does not fit with where we are. So bottom line, selfless love does not act in an unbecoming way.

Jonathan (00:37:21): Selfless love does not seek its own.

Julie (00:37:24): Meaning it's not after its own self-interest or desires.

Jonathan (00:37:28): James 4:2-3: "You lust and you do not have, so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive because you ask with wrong motives so that you may spend it on your pleasures."

Rick (00:37:47): Seeking its own. Self-Interests can be a breeding ground for marriage discontent and dysfunction. While each spouse should be able to have those things in life that they're interested in, there's definitely space for that kind of thing, the danger comes when these things come at the expense of their spouse.

Julie (00:38:08): Okay, so that brings up a really good question. What are your thoughts about couples who do have separate interests? Like they have separate hobbies or friends, or take separate vacations, they have divided interests.

Rick (00:38:18): Well, you know what? There's a lot of couples like that and that can be a reasonable and appropriate circumstance. However, you got to be careful because once those separate interests come at the expense of the other, or in place of the other spouse, you have created a competition for your attention, for your focus. Now you're seeking your own and not your married interests. So yes, there are things that you do differently at different times because you're different people. That's okay. But do not do it at the expense of the other. One of the things that happens in marriage oftentimes is we hide in the raising of our children. We don't spend time with each other because the kids take up all the time. And I get it, we raised three kids. I understand that. But if you don't continually make time for each other, once the children are out on their own, you got nothing. You have to always feed that togetherness. So the bottom line here is selfless love does not seek its own.

Jonathan (00:39:27): Selfless love is not provoked.

Julie (00:39:30): Meaning stimulated or spurred to a negative anger.

Jonathan (00:39:34): Ephesians 4:26,27: "Be angry, and yet do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger and do not give the devil an opportunity. "What Great advice, if we could only follow it, don't go to bed angry with your spouse.

Rick (00:39:54): Yeah, that's far easier said than done, but it's very important to strive for. One of the easiest pitfalls of marriage is taking things personally. Now look, we all do that. And then allowing them to expand from just one issue that could be handled with honest communication into a whole perspective that derails conversation and fans the flames of emotional reaction. To feel provoked, ah, that's one thing. To act provoked, now that's an entirely different and far more dangerous story.

Julie (00:40:26): Yeah, letting things fester is not healthy. Eventually it finds a way to leak out somewhere. So it's common to get frustrated over something that's inconsequential and you become annoyed and then you get really stubborn, oh wait, I'm talking about myself. And you dig in. At times like these, we, meaning me, need to honestly examine what might be the actual underlying cause and get that resolved as soon as possible. Because again, it it leaks out in different ways.

Rick (00:40:53): It does, it does. As a matter of fact, that's going to bring us to our next point. But to wrap this point up, selfless love is not provoked. Now where do we go from here?

Jonathan (00:41:04): And another main question, selfless love does not take into account a wrong suffered.

Julie (00:41:10): That means don't take an inventory, you don't keep score because keeping score means there's a winner and there's a loser. One person's up, the other person is down. That is not a thriving environment. One suggestion for those prone to this kind of negative thinking is to add something positive. So I'm always the one who has to take out the garbage, but now you add, but he or she always does the laundry. So this helps reinforce appreciation. Appreciation is an important outgrowth of honor and respect.

Jonathan (00:41:42): And speaking of counting and keeping score, let's read Matthew 18:21-22: "Then Peter came and said to him, Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times? Jesus said to him, I do not say to you up to seven times, but up to 70 times seven." Well, in the case of marriage, if you are still counting, you are still wrong. Stop keeping score. <Laugh>

Julie (00:42:08): Yeah, you know, and

Rick (00:42:09): Go ahead Julie.

Julie (00:42:11): And remember "always" and 'never" are really big words that almost "always" are "never" true. So use them sparingly.

Jonathan (00:42:19): That's not always the case. Julie. My wife always forgives me and she never keeps score. I ask you, what's wrong with that?

Julie (00:42:27): <Laugh> Well, there you go. I said, almost always, never true. But apparently your marriage is perfect.

Jonathan (00:42:32): <Laugh> Not! <Laugh>,

Rick (00:42:35): We're all a work in progress. But again, right, don't take inventory, don't keep score because marriage is an all the time commitment. It's easy, easy to accumulate issues over time. The principle of not inventorying wrongs flies directly in the face of what we as broken human beings do naturally. See we naturally over time keep score because it's easy to remember. You know how easy it is to remember hard things or bad things and how hard it is to remember the good things. It's just, that's human nature. Keeping inventory invites ill feelings while communication creates a culture of caring. We want to be clear that we care. And caring is not scorekeeping. Caring is applying that selfless love because our spouse is worthy of that high level of respect. Selfless love does not keep count of wrongs. Our last piece, Jonathan, what is it?

Jonathan (00:43:31): Selfless love does not rejoice in unrighteousness.

Julie (00:43:35): It's not glad or happy in moral wrongfulness.

Jonathan (00:43:39): 1 Thessalonians 4:4-5: "That each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion like the Gentiles who do not know God.'

Rick (00:43:51): So we as Christians know right from wrong, but having that knowledge doesn't keep us from sin. Sin can be enticing. In a marriage that has challenges, this can mean trouble. It's easy to justify a sinful thought under stress, and that can open the door to sinful action.

Julie (00:44:09): Sins of immorality, and as this scripture says, "lustful passion," it can completely blow up a marriage in a way that's absolutely unrecoverable. And this is a broad category. It includes a lot of sins. The good part is though, if we're being honest, this type of temptation gives us many checkpoints and plenty of time to turn around and get out of that situation. No one "accidentally" falls into a hotel room with someone who's not your spouse. Your eyeballs don't "accidentally" stay glued to pornography. Your fingers don't automatically start typing out intimate secrets in the middle of the night. There were a lot of steps to get to that point, requiring a lot of internal justification to keep you moving forward in that wrong direction. We each know where our weaknesses are. Be careful.

Rick (00:44:54): We do. And here's the thing. We talked about having your spouse on that level of honor and respect. You lift them up. The question that you have to ask yourself is, would I do this if my spouse was looking over my shoulder, right here, right now because I respect them so much. Would I do this if they were looking over my shoulder? Selfless love does not rejoice in unrighteousness. Jonathan, revisiting, refocusing and reestablishing my relationships. Where are we?

Jonathan (00:45:22): Marriages have problems, lots of them. Each and every issue we may face can be most comprehensively addressed by first seeing it through the eyes of selfless love. If we let it, this approach can take the edge off of our emotions and allow us to positively address them rather than emotionally react.

Rick (00:45:43): Selfless love and respect. Those two things can change everything. Look, it's easy for things to go wrong in a marriage. We need to pay attention to our hearts and minds as we stand firmly on marriage's foundations.

Jonathan (00:46:01): Because marriage has such potential for ups and downs, what things can we learn to focus on to foster strength and growth?

Rick (00:46:09): This is a question that should be asked and considered regularly. Having a desire to bring great health or greater health to our marriages can bring us to really strong results. But only if we act. Further, our actions need to be well-intentioned, clear and consistent. Working on making a marriage stronger is not some feeble New Year's resolution. It is a life-changing decision. And again, as we go through these things and this exercise, we're really focusing on functional marriages, marriages that have challenges but are workable. In a dysfunctional marriage, just by looking at these things, oftentimes you're not gonna be able to get too far. But do not lose hope. Do not give up in that dysfunctional scenario. Get some help because it can be recovered. I know it can. I have watched it be recovered. So do not lose hope if you're a little bit further down that road and it's like, I don't know what to do. It can be recovered. What's next?

Jonathan (00:47:14): What should I always bring to the table in my marriage relationship?

Julie (00:47:18): And our final question was, how can I contribute to my marriage relationship even if my spouse seems distant? And curiously enough, both of these questions have answers in the same scripture. So let's continue in this love chapter with 1 Corinthians 13:4,6-7:

Jonathan (00:47:35): "Love rejoices with the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Selfless love rejoices with the truth."

Julie (00:47:46): That means it's happy with God's truth being THE truth.

Jonathan (00:47:51): James 1:17-18: "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above and coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. Of His own will He begat us with the word of truth, that we should be a kind of first fruits of His creatures."

Rick (00:48:11): So love rejoices with the truth. Marriage thrives when truth, when God's truth is present and focused upon. Always have your happiness reside in God's truth. Even if your spouse is going through a rough patch, even if they're stuck. If you can have your rejoicing, that happiness in God's truth, it gives you the strength to be supportive to that spouse who may be going through a rough time. And folks, that's what a marriage is supposed to do. It's supposed to reach out and help and hope together and work together and lift up and understand and respect and commit. Selfless love rejoices in truth.

Jonathan (00:48:57): Selfless love bears all things.

Julie (00:49:00): Now this is really interesting. That word "bear" means to fetch, cover, protect, or preserve in all experiences like a thatched roof covers and protects. Love selflessly and lovingly protects. And what a wonderful way to look out for each other.

Jonathan (00:49:16): Romans 15:1: "Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please ourselves." There is a sensitivity here, and we should not share with others any of our spouse's faults. This is a way to protect them. Marriage is personal, but there is a difference between randomly telling others as gossip versus seeking counseling with trusted spiritual leaders or a trained professional.

Rick (00:49:46): Yeah. We have to really understand that difference. The difference is monumental. And we can think that, well, I'll just tell my best, 42 friends what's happening and because it'll make me feel better. But what you're doing is you're gossiping about your own spouse. When you seek help, you seek counsel. That is confidential and it is for the purpose of learning how to cope. It's a hard thing, but we need to protect our spouse, especially in tough times. Strive to have the response to protect, to cover, and to preserve your marriage to develop into an instinctive response. You want it to become something you don't even think about, that you naturally, it's like, oh, if you just painted something outside and it starts to rain, you naturally run to cover it. You naturally need to run to cover your spouse so that they are not damaged in any way. That's the key. There's a wonderful and caring beauty that your spouse will see when you are protective of them. What better way to support your spouse if they're having challenges? What better way to show them that you love them and care for them and respect them by being protective while they're struggling. They will see it and they will remember it and will give them strength. Selfless love bears. It protects in all experiences.

Jonathan (00:51:12): Selfless love believes all things.

Julie (00:51:15): That means it's faithful in all experiences. And when we say believes all things, that doesn't mean we're supposed to be gullible and uneducated. It's talking about being confident to walk through the challenges of life. We give our spouse, here's something really important, the benefit of the doubt. We want to assign as a baseline positive motives to what they say and do and react accordingly.

Jonathan (00:51:40): Habakkuk 3:17-18: "Though the fig tree shall not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold, and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will exult in the Lord. I will rejoice in the God of my salvation." This verse means having faith even when everything is really bad.

Rick (00:52:08): That's easier said than done! That's a challenge. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> And look, we don't always know what God's will and providence will bring to us. We don't. We do know that his will is what we want to follow. We just don't know where it's inevitably going to lead. To have a strong faith in God's will for us is critical for our Christian marriages to thrive. This faith can also be a strong support for a struggling spouse. If your spouse is just weak because life is just overbearing, if you can stand strong in faith and say, I don't know where this is going to lead. I don't know what's going to happen, but I know we're in this together, that helps them to cope.

Jonathan (00:52:51): When our spouse is struggling, the most important thing we can do when tragedy, illness, or hardship strikes is to be there next to them, helping them through it. God has permitted this experience. We can't fix the problem, but we can walk together, walk next to them. This shows faithfulness and honor.

Julie (00:53:11): Jonathan, your bride of 35 years, Jewel, wanted to add something that she appreciates in you along this topic. And here's what she told me. She said, "About four years after we were married, I started noticing some hearing loss. As the years went on, it progressively worsened due to my inner ear disorder, which led to me needing a cochlear implant. Jonathan adapted to my severe hearing loss and instead of getting frustrated with me, he always helps me when I can't hear or understand someone. The implant has been a great blessing, but in certain environments I can still struggle with understanding what's being said. He can just tell by looking at me that I'm not understanding a conversation and he translates for me. I'm thankful he has his clear radio voice, which helps me to understand him so well. And also with my condition, I lose my balance sometimes. And he's always on the lookout if we're out walking. He makes sure he is close enough to pull me back or let me know if a car's behind me that I might not hear." That's so sweet. <Laugh> She really, really appreciates you, especially in this aspect.

Jonathan (00:54:18): That's kind of her to say.

Rick (00:54:20): It's very true of her to say. That's the thing. What we want to look at is the truth of the matter. And appreciate the core value of that spouse. By being able to appreciate such things, what you do is you put on the table the mutual respect. All that can happen when you do that folks, is it grows. All that happens when that happens is everything gets stronger and you're more committed to one another. It's a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful experience. When you see these things being put together, selfless love believes in all experiences,

Jonathan (00:54:56): Selfless love hopes in all things.

Julie (00:54:59): That means you have positive expectations in all your experiences. It means we don't give up on our spouse. Again, we are talking about functional, non-abuse marriages.

Jonathan (00:55:10): Romans 8:24,25: "For in hope we have been saved. But hope that is seen is not hope, for whose hope hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see with perseverance, we wait eagerly for it."

Rick (00:55:26): Okay. Positive expectations in all experiences. To hope is far beyond wishing. Our expectation that God will see us through all of our trying times is a necessary inspiration to keep us moving forward. God's plan is great and we are called to serve that plan. Confidently, looking forward to God's providence, whatever it might be. It might be difficulty, and it might be that you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we don't know. But whatever it is, walking through that together, whatever it may be, can be a needed support. And an example, when your spouse is overwhelmed, when they seem lost, when they just don't know what to do.

Jonathan (00:56:10): God's grace gives us a pathway. We have to be receptive to knowing that God will see us through.

Rick (00:56:18): One of the things that, for me, the positive expectations is that when I look at life, and life gets difficult, and even when life is good, the thing I say and everybody knows what I say is, Rick, how are you? Julie, what's my answer?

Julie (00:56:33): "It's All good."

Rick (00:56:35): <Laugh> But understand, those words are a reset for my own mind. Whatever is happening, whether it's overwhelming, whether I feel like I'm drowning or whether things are moving along exactly in a way that you can really get lots done, "it's all good" means to me that it's in God's providence, and I'm standing here looking for the next right step because I know He's got it. That's why it's all good. Even if I am not doing well, it's still all good because it's in His providence. Selfless love hopes, in all experiences.

Jonathan (00:57:11): Selfless love endures all things.

Julie (00:57:14): That means that it perseveres under the weight of all experiences.

Jonathan (00:57:18): James 5:10-11: "As an example, brethren, of suffering in patience, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. We count those blessed who endured. You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome of the Lord's dealings, that the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful."

Julie (00:57:38): Well, sometimes our compromise is 50/50, but sometimes it's 90/10. Over time, if we're giving what we can, whenever we can, we should see walls coming down because our spouse will feel cherished, valued, and appreciated. And who doesn't want that?

Rick (00:57:56): You're right. Who doesn't want that? That's one of the goals. The idea of enduring, persevering under the weight of everything. Life can be hard. And we need to meet any challenges that test our marriages within "I will never quit" brand of determination. Striving for this level of commitment changes us and helps mature as Christians and as a spouse. Now notice you don't do one without the other. You don't say, "Hey, this is a good experience to mature me as a Christian," and leave the spouse part out. Both of those grow together in a Christian marriage. What better way to help a struggling spouse than to contribute to your marriage in the way that you want them to contribute to your marriage? Sometimes, Julie, you said earlier, the big question or the big difficulty is my spouse doesn't appreciate me. Well, if you feel that way, appreciate them, appreciate them, act. Treat them the way you want to be treated and see how that can contribute to moving things along.

Jonathan (00:58:57): Do the work because it's worth it.

Rick (00:59:00): Yeah it is. It's simple. <Laugh> It's not easy, but it's simple. Do the work because it's worth it. Selfless love endures in all experiences. So we've got all of these pieces that have been put in place and they all came from one small set of scriptures. It is amazing to me. It is profound to me to see the value that you have in this one small section of 1 Corinthians 13. So let's put this all together. Revisiting, refocusing, and reestablishing my relationships. Jonathan, where are we?

Jonathan (00:59:35): Marriage is the highest and most sacred relationship that God gave to His human family. For those who are privileged to be in a functional marriage, there are many things we can focus on and attend to that can make that marriage stronger. Selfless, love, respect, and all that they encompass help us to better live up to this incredible privilege. Let us take nothing for granted and commit ourselves to being a spouse who exemplifies God's love in all that we do.

Rick (01:00:06): Exemplifies God's love in all that we do. Think about that. Jesus is the prime example of God's love in anything and everything. And he said, Greater love has no man than this, than a man lay down his life for his friends. So, that is the kind of love we want to build our marriage on. There is give and take, and folks that comes with time, that comes with effort. And it's a beautiful thing. When you have a good marriage based on God in Christ, it is a wonderful way to live. Work for it. It is worth it. Think about it. Folks, we love hearing from our listeners. We welcome your feedback and questions on this episode and all at episodes at ChristianQuestions.com. Coming up in our next episode, Part II, "How Strong Are My Relationships?" We'll look at family and friends and associates and so forth.

Final Notes (01:01:01): Copyright @2023 Christian Questions. In addition to this transcript, we provide comprehensive CQ Rewind Show Notes for every episode. They include every scripture quoted during the podcast, as well as graphics, illustrations and bonus material. Click the "CQ Rewind Show Notes" button near the audio player or sign up to receive these weekly at ChristianQuestions.com. This transcript was created using artificial intelligence. While we believe it to be accurate, we apologize for any errors that may exist.